At least we don’t have to wear pants anymore.
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What doesn’t kill you is still… going to kill you. Just slowly.
Me, on my 9th plate of nachos: So you’re telling me I have time
Doctor: I think I should refer you to a specialist.
This buffalo chicken salad would be great if it weren’t for all this salad
Doctor: Was it all fun and games?
Me [missing an eye]: Yah, up to a point
Men love when you forget to wash your make-up off & wake up looking like an adorable raccoon but they don’t love when you randomly wake them up with terrifying raccoon noises at 3 AM. Interesting. Very interesting.
I believe in you. I also believe in dragons, so don’t get too excited.
Me: just cuz my resume is on a napkin doesn’t mean it’s not good
Employer: there’s a chicken nugget stuck to it
Me: oh is there? *winks*
Lose something? Need help? Call 1-800-MOM & a team of moms will be deployed to you to ask you “Well, did you look?”Or “did you look-look?”
The 6th day of xmas was the worst day of xmas bc after getting 5 golden rings she thought he moved on to jewelry & did not expect more birds
The CIA should be exclusively recruiting women over 60 as spies – we are invisible and no one can hear us
DOCTOR: At a guess, how much alcohol do you drink in a day?
ME: Hardly any
D: That’s excellent
ME [swigs vodka] But I’m a terrible guesser
We’re at the top of the food chain, but let’s not be too full of ourselves.
After all, some of us can be felled by a single peanut.
It’s sad how many people out there are not getting the lobotomy surgery they need
Me: They say a picture is worth a thousand words.
My advisor: This selfie can’t be your thesis statement.
ME: On the one hand, I have this weird rash. And on the other hand
DATE: ??
ME: It’s on both hands, I should probably see a doctor
I know this intervention is serious business but I see absolutely no snacks here.
People say “life’s a journey, not a destination,” because the destination is death. The journey sucks too. Anyway, to the bride and groom!
Me: “I don’t make everything sexual”
*plugs phone into charger*
“You like that huh?”
Me rushing back from the bathroom at 3 am so I dont lose any tiredness
[courtroom, on witness stand]
Prosecuting attny: If you think she’s poisoning you, why did you eat it?
Me: It was pizza
[jury nods, murmurs]
The date was going horribly until I brought out my tambourine.
🤣🤣🤣
[jolts awake in bed]
Honey, wake up! I had a terrible nightmare that you were an algorithm!
spouse: (from under covers) That’s awful, sweetheart. Let me suggest some other dreams you might have
[father & son looking up at the night sky—observing starlight from millions of yrs ago] son, the most important thing in this world is money
[new snowman watching the snowfall]
Is this *gags* is this flesh?
damn demi, your rap battle opponent didn’t even try to diss your clothes. what’s your secret. [camera pans out to show all-orange outfit]
Happy Victorian Christmas, the sparrows are coming for us all
I lost my thumb in a serious movie rating accident.
Jigsaw: I want to play a game
Me: *takes his hand* I don’t play games
Jigsaw: [whispers] OMG
Just heard a woman say, “I never give my dog medicine I haven’t tried first” and her friend responded, “oh, Janet, no.”