So my doctor said my alcohol use was depleting magnesium from my body and I should change my lifestyle, so I bought a magnesium supplement.
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if ghosts r real why are there no dinosaur ghosts? think about that, but u won’t bc i just blew your mind with something called logic, idiot
I don’t know what the big whoop is if I run out of masks and have to put a paper bag over my head, but the police officer who pulled me over sure seemed pissed about it.
New research in early toy-purchase psychology has found that the majority of parents subconsciously hope their children become xylophonists.
“Grey’s Anatomy” but it’s told entirely through the lens of the hospital’s HR department.
I am a fool everyday I don’t need a holiday for it
My family takes turns with who hosts Thanksgiving each year. When it was my cousin’s first time to host, she put the turkey in the oven, but forgot to turn the oven on. She was taken out of the hosting rotation. Brilliant.
I need someone to hand me a cup of coffee when I wake up so I can have coffee before I make my coffee.
I just changed all my passwords to “kenny”…
Now I have kenny logins.
#dangerzone
If you see my brave face, do not make eye contact and back away slowly. I haven’t worn it in weeks and I’m afraid it has gone rogue.
“I MUST tell you,” said a lady with breathless excitement, stopping us suddenly as we walked down Bermondsey Street last night, “I MUST tell you that you are wearing the same clothes as that building.” and skipped off
Love spending a relaxing Sunday curled up with a good book as it sits next to me untouched while I scroll through twitter for three hours
Never be afraid to acknowledge your accomplishments
In my defense, it was my first eulogy. I assumed it was supposed to rhyme.
My dating profile just says, “High risk, high reward”.
*pronounces ‘cake’ like ‘khaki’ in all your tweets
[Quarantine, Day 5]
Me: Amelia, push my afternoon meetings this conference call is running long
My daughter’s Amelia Bedelia doll wearing a Bluetooth:
If being sexy is a crime then I’m not committing one.
science teacher: scorpions have 10 to 12 eyes
kid (taking notes) s-c-o-r-p-i-i-i-i-i-i-i-i-i-i-i-i-I-o-n which is it? 10 or 12?
My husband just sent me a text inviting me to go ahead and have the left over tacos that I ate three hours ago.
I can’t possibly be the only one who has wondered if the corona crisis could be solved if we all let ourselves be laminated
Daughter: Daddy, why do I have to go to bed so early?
Me: Because we have had enough of you for today
My kid can’t see the backpack hanging on his doorknob but he can find a Kit-Kat bar I hid in the attic
[Someone is rude to me]
ME: “Oh well.”[Someone is rude to my friend]
ME: *frantically googling for spells that turn people into crabs*
luke, thats a persons name. whys everybodys star wars name gotta be like, hoobie doodoo or seb neb or something
Before coffee: Annoyed by everything.
After coffee: Annoyed by everything but with the energy to complain about it.
I had an erotic dream last night that my house was clean.
Them: Pain is just weakness leaving the body!
Me: Yes, but also sometimes pain is just last night’s extra hot burrito leaving the body too!!
[A bengals fan watching Titanic] I can’t wait until the end when Jack and Rose get married
Dear autocorrect,
I’ve never had a “hard duck” in my life.
Quit your shit.
Fighting on twitter be like 🤣