Him: I like to play devils advocate
Me: There are way better games out there
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To the thief who stole my antidepressants, I hope you’re happy now.
I don’t judge you when you make a typo.
I first look at the keypad and how far the letters are apart.
Then I judge you.
Me: Don’t do anything special for my birthday.
*People do special things for my birthday*
Me: Oh thank God.
No parenting books prepared me for the exhaustion of constantly being excited about the mundane stuff that blows my 4 year old’s mind. Wow, a red pen! Wow, our cat! Wow, a slice of cheese with holes in it!
(Watching the new James Bond Trailer)
Daughter 9: Wow. There is so much reckless driving happening here….
My neighbors hate me because I still haven’t taken my Groundhog Day decorations down.
Girl: I only date guys who can ice skate and make puns.
Me: *sighs and reluctantly starts putting on skates* “Figures.”
Taurus: You have a big life choice to make so watch endless YouTube videos instead of thinking about it.
On a scale of “glass half full” to “no plunger in your bathroom”, how optimistic are you?
My family keeps bringing up my felony like I’m afraid to commit another one.
girls have four moods: famine, pestilence, war, death
*married driving*
Her: ‘You should pass this guy.’
Me: ‘You should have told me that vasectomy was completely unnecessary.’
You have your whole life ahead of you. They threatened
I’m embarrassed to live in a world that’s allowed 9 fast and furious movies
Don’t mind me, I slept on the wrong side of the bed, spilled a ton of water on me trying to take a sip from the bottle, slipped on a plate which I forgot I left on the floor, and the most tragic of all, I accidentally put on men’s perfume
[interview]
What is your greatest strength?
“Throwing my voice”
You’re hired!
“Ok great, thanks”
Wait I didn’t say- oh wow you’re good
As I sit in isolation for hours, planning to keep a safe distance from my family, I hear them outside the door, shouting words of encouragement.
Like my kids saying, “Make us breakfast!”
And my wife adding, “GET OUT OF THE BATHROOM. YOU AREN’T SICK!”
Doing squats. And by that I mean I’m in the squat position. But really the couch is holding me up. I’m sitting on the couch.
Accidentally went to Rouge One instead of Rogue One. Boy is my face red.
Every time someone in a movie is being stalked, it’s like they can’t even hear the suspenseful music.
Oh, you don’t have sex on the first date? How about on the last date?
Tell me your dreams and fantasies!
Mine is seeing Deadpool and Freddy Krueger pillow fight.
I appreciate and am so thankful for all law enforcement officers
…until I’m driving.
If you see my brave face, do not make eye contact and back away slowly. I haven’t worn it in weeks and I’m afraid it has gone rogue.
One of my shoes has developed a squeak and now any walking I do has a slightly downcast Charlie Brown quality to it
cost of the ice cream my kid threw a tantrum in the grocery store to get: $5
the look on his face when I ate it for dinner: priceless
Vacations in your single 20s: backpacking Europe, hiking a Hawaiian volcano, relaxing poolside in St Croix with a book & a cocktail
Vacations in your 40s with kids: WHY IS SAND ON EVERYTHING, STOP FIGHTING, NO DESSERT FOR YOU, WE’RE ALL GOING TO BED EARLY
Optometrist: Any questions about laser eye surgery?
Me: How big of lasers will my eyes shoot?
Him:
Me:
Him: How much money do you have?
Friend: your parents must have had you young
Me: I mean, I couldn’t have been any younger
I like to use the Ouija board to pester my dead husbands.