[talking to my son]
Please call me Steve, father was my father’s name
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Making friends was so much easier as a kid.
5: This is the smallest finger I have.
Other 5yo at the park: Well this is the smallest finger I have!
Both: (giggle)
…and then the whiskey whispered “You should totally tell her about what your ex used to do to you in bed.”
Pot smokers like to say it’s safe because it’s natural. Other safe natural things include sunburn, poison ivy, and being eaten by a bear.
Once someone broke into my car and didn’t steal anything – not my leather jacket or any of my CDs, and I have never felt more judged.
I don’t think the comings and goings of Cotton eyed Joe warrant a whole song.
Why does Nike keep telling me to JUST DO IT? Maybe I don’t want to do it. I’m in my 50s. Maybe I just want to eat pizza straight out the box and take a nap
My niece asked me if I was planning on getting banged at the work party
She meant hammered.
Yep! Hammered
Please do not shout “2020” in a crowded theater.
Unless you want to be immortalized as a sloth don’t let someone take your picture after you eat 2 dozen wings
-Buddha
Getting vaccinated in Canada isn’t complicated. All you have to do is find an old raccoon, correctly answer their riddles, accept a quest to go on a hike through the Northwest Territories to locate an ancient bottle of maple syrup where you will be greeted by an old witch who-
ME: You see that guy with the half horse body standing in the middle of that crowd?
FRIEND: Ugh. Yes… Let me guess, they’re the *centaur* of attention?!
ME: No. He keeps shitting everywhere and no one says anything
You buy eight gift bags once, and exchange them back and forth with your family forever.
The Burger King can legally officiate a wedding, but only if the rings are onion rings
I feel this pandemic is the worst group project I’ve ever been a part of in my entire life for real.
someone just dropped a glass at the hotel breakfast and three different people shouted “buddy!” at the same time. this city rules lol
Anything is free if you can outrun security.
The more you know.
Me *dying* no, no, no, I can’t join the afterlife with these on
[Later]
Wife: What the hell is that noise?
Son: I think that ghost is wearing flip flops
concern
Therapist: Are you two still romantic?
Me: I left him a heart made of post-it notes on the bathroom mirror last week.
Husband: There were chores written on all of them.
My (27F) boyfriend (28M) won’t stop saying he’s “microdosing pants” whenever he wears shorts
[shower song] Im all outta Dove
Im soapless without you
I’ll never get clean
Now that you are all gone
*grabs shampoo mic*
IM ALL OUTTA DOVE
Living your life to the fullest does not have to involve selfies with bison.
At this late date, the only way I’m gonna be famous is if I save a baby from a fire. And the baby is filming the whole thing with his phone.
Who called it inspirational posting and not chicken soup for the scroll?
I’m a go with the flow kind of gal unless the flow is after 9pm or involves people I don’t know or parallel parking.
I respect women so much I don’t even talk to them
Guys with balls hangin from ur truck. that would mean ur truck is a man,yes? Which means you like to be inside a dude all day. Lol homo. : p
[to a mushroom] ok, pretty cute. but let’s see you without the hat
Doctor: you’re not going to make it
Me: give me a number doc
Doctor: 8
Me: *pees into a cup 8 feet away*
Doctor: damn son