Instead of a pre-workout protein shake I have mashed potatoes and gravy and instead of working out I have mashed potatoes and gravy.
You Might Also Like
Why do u wanna work at Burger King?
*imagines killing the Burger King & taking my rightful place as king*
“I haven’t taken my meds in weeks”
This is your pilot speaking. We’ll be taking off shortly once our flight crew confirms that this is, in fact, an airplane
i just overheard this conversation from my family and i honestly give up jesus christ
sister: the bus driver earlier had sunglasses on + it’s been raining all day
dad:
sister: i wonder why. maybe he was blind?
dad: oh yeah, maybe
[they watch tv in silence]
me: ?????
I’d be a terrible coroner. My reports would say something like: Subject is 44yo male. Cause of death, asphyxiation. Nice jaw. One unruly eyebrow. Strong hands. Excellent manscaping. We probably would have been great friends, possibly lovers. 8/10 stars.
My 6yo sprayed me with the bathroom air freshener, so now I smell like eau de toilette.
Me (texting): Help I’m in the pantry hiding from the murderer
Murderer: Probably shouldn’t have used speech-to-text
I went to school with a girl named
Nonstick CookingSprayWe tried calling her Pam …
but it didn’t stick.
You know what goes great with helping your kid with math homework?
Vodka
Apparently, if you scream into a pillow at Target you have to buy it.
[Super soldier program]
SCIENTIST: We’ve given you an enhanced cybernetic arm.
ME: So I can take pies out of the oven without mitts.
SCIENTIST: More—more for killing people.
ME:
SCIENTIST:
ME:
SCIENTIST:
ME: But I can also—
SCIENTIST: Yes you can also use it for the pie thing.
Dracula: I vant to suck your blood
Me: well technically, no — you don’t suck what you’re drinking. You want to suck my NECK
Dracula: vhoa
When my husband annoys me I like to say, “The doctor said I need to lose 10 pounds. What do you think?”
“Yes, I’m here. I really need you to be more specific. I know a lot of Margarets.”
— God
Outside doing some gardening and I’m pretty sure that my neighbour just heard me tell a worm that he is “a heckin’ chonk” and to “keep up the good work”.
I’m rubber, you’re glue. He’s scissors, she’s a toner cartridge, those fellas are paperclips. Welcome to the supply closet pal.
My kid in a house made of snacks, lying on a bed made of snacks, wearing clothes made of snacks, while eating a snack: “Can I have a snack?”
The best shot in the history of golf
French fries are like the lifeboats on the Titanic. They never give you enough.
Wanna see awkward?
Hand me a baby.
So much focus on the gold silver and bronze! What about the fourth place finisher? Sorry about that 1/200th of a second. Here’s a cheese sandwich.
Police found the neighbourhood paedophile shot in the head 27 times. Authorities ruled it the worst case of suicide in a decade.
*listening to the neighbor’s kids screaming outside*
“I know right it’s terrifying GET INSIDE!”
In an alternate universe, an alligator is wearing a shirt with a tiny picture of me sewn on it.
My wrist is sore from holding onto a bowl of ice cream for too long but sure, I’ll help you move.
“I was bored” -Me explaining most of the things I do.
One time I made a snowman and gave him a cucumber nose. Carrot noses are the standard protocol but I’m what u would call a rebel.
Volunteer me to do something without checking with me first so I know whose mailbox to leave the dead squirrel in.
Of course introverts lie, how do you think we get jobs.
(asking for a raise at work) please, my landlord needs this
im 7 sauces long