My 2yr old tells people that grandma goes to a booty shop. My mom asks that I help her say beauty correctly, but this way is much more fun.
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I made a joke about a lumberjack funeral once and got followed by a logging association, a lumberyard and 2 funeral homes
A room full of people: ⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀ ⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀ ⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀ ⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀
My stomach: *SHRIEKS IN AUTOBOT*
I am a Mother hear me roar…..especially when my kids decide to make a kite out of my granny panties and fly it down the street.
Her: Isn’t she your girlfriend?
Me: No, No, No, I broke up with her two days ago. She just hasn’t checked her voice mail yet…
My favourite child is the one who just told me I’m so funny. Don’t know her name yet but she lives down the street.
she FINALLY texted me after 16 hours now i will make her wait 45 seconds
George Washington spent 63% of his salary on alcohol so I guess you could say I have presidential qualities.
Feeling a little sad…
…saw a FB post about someone that has “the best girlfriend ever” and realized that I have to settle for 2nd best.
Sometimes I pick another language on the ATM to see if I can make it all the way thru.
So I’m still broke, but now also in French.
i went viral on linkedin and i now have over 2,000 jobs
Free will was a mistake.
I should have charged for it.
art teacher: …and that’s how you paint a perfect face
Picasso: *running in* sorry, I’m late. what did I miss?
I’ve never been a backseat driver. My arms aren’t long enough.
So Beyonce had a strict diet prepping for Coachella..no dairy, no carbs, no alcohol, no meat, no fish, and no sugar. I know some women with that same diet prepping for a wedding. You are marrying a guy name Dan who eats chicken pot pie at diners, ya’ll can have some bread.
I am in the battle of my life with tangled macrame and I may not make it. If a spider finds me, I’m screwed.
I’m afraid of people who keep smiling all the time. I feel like they still have plenty of space left for more bodies in their basement.
I don’t like atheism. I’ve worked too many minimum wage jobs for someone to tell me there’s nothing after this. I once waitresses the smoking section of Applebee’s. Smelled like divorce papers signed with a gun shot. I need heaven!
10 WARNING SIGNS THAT YOU’RE CURRENTLY READING A LIST
If he says “you’re 1 in a million” it means he either has no knowledge of the world population or he thinks there are 7000 people like you
[first day as detective]
Me: looks like he was shot in the head
Partner: any sign of forced entry?
Me [pointing at bullet wound]: well yeah
Yes, I DO think “did you bring my pizza?” is an acceptable answer when you’re in a public bathroom and someone knocks on the door.
[first date]
me: [don’t let her know you’re a microwave]
her: my food is a bit cold
me: [my head starts slowly rotating]
“Fake news,” I whisper to myself, as the scale shows I gained another pound.
Accidentally left the plunger in the toilet, so yeah the wife is wide awake now.
grocery store clerk: did u find everything ok today
me, who couldn’t find the tortillas after 30 minutes of searching: yes
The neighbor has a sign next to the sidewalk under his tree reading, “Caution, this tree has a history of dropping branches.” A “history”? Does this tree have a rap sheet? Is he a bad influence on my trees?
I’m going as Alexa for Halloween this year and answering every question with, “Sorry, I’m having trouble understanding you right now.”
I can’t have a boyfriend because my clean laundry goes on the other side of my bed.
My roommate got drunk and called a research station in Antarctica on my landline in 2001. When I called the phone company to see what the damage was for the hour-long call, there was a long pause before the customer service person asked, “And what country is that in?”
No one:
My brain: the word ‘platitude’ kinda just sounds like a platypus with an attitude