I have no idea where my birth certificate or social security card are, but here are 417 receipts from Target from the past 2 years.
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[ interview at a 24 hour diner ]
boss: can you cook nights
a dragon: yes
My husband’s sole purpose in life is to have me explain the entire plot of a TV series while I’m trying to watch the last 20 minutes.
Mom, remember we used to eat donuts?
-my 3 yo, 1 hour after eating a donut
WHAT ARE YOU TALKING ABOUT, I’M CHILL AF
This day in history. 1881. A man in Großliebenthal Ukraine hit by an 8 kg stone deduced that it was a meteorite as his wife was out of town.
Hipsters is what happens when you tell every child they’re special.
friend:
There’s this thing that starts around 6PM andme:
I’m already out.
Ford vehicles names are more fun when you put “anal” in front of them..Probe, Explorer, Excursion, Endeavor, Ranger,etc
When my wife says “oh hi it’s nice to meet you” to my coworkers it’s code for I know all the jerk things you’ve done
I wanna get a job at a grocery store & whisper, “Don’t fuckin touch that. You fuckin put that back, ” to every customer who grabs something.
Instead of a dress code every senator should get to choose how one other senator dresses.
If only vehicles could be equipped with little blinky lights on the corners to alert other drivers the direction they wished to turn…
I enjoy long walks away from the scene of the crime.
Hollywood led me to believe I would have to do way more heat/AC duct crawling than I’ve had to do.
every college guy’s fridge
Bored? Sneak a dog into the movies and loudly explain the plot to the dog
Q: What’s the difference between a water bottle and puberty?
A: A water bottle has already hit Justin Bieber. #JustinBieber
Dear diary, although he was a malevolent killer, the headless horseman was really well dressed. My emotions about this are confusing.
[accepting a compliment]
you are wrong
(using my powers as an empath) this dungeon… it has bad vibes
Please, by all means, call my landline. I’ll reply with a postcard attached to a helium balloon
psychic: [sees guy in crowd w/ a pony tail] Sir did u know a Chad?
“yes”
From karate?
“YES”
Chad wants u to know he’s ok
*guy starts crying*
*opens up briefcase in court, revealing snakes*
“Wait. Then that means-”
[cut to my nemesis waking up surrounded by my opening statement]
Butt weight. There’s more!
Date: so you were married twice before?
Me: yes
Date: any kids
Me: no they were both adults
🎶I’m going to wash that man right out of my hair🎶
*tiny little man falls out of my hair with a gentle thud*
Him: Is that a new shampoo?
HUSBAND: You dropped your phone, broke a glass, and frightened the dog.
ME: Yeah, but I killed the spider!
I thought my 1-year-old had hints of red in her hair like me. Turned out she had dried-up sweet potato in her hair…also like me.
If you want to know what you really look like hand your phone to a 5-year-old to take a picture.
My neighbor hates it when I figure out his wifi password but it’s his fault for writing it down and putting it on his fridge.