Why was the picture sent to prison?
It was framed.
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They say you should throw out anything you haven’t used in six months. There goes the vacuum.
Daylight Saving Time is a scam. It was originally pushed through Congress by Big Candle.
ME: Hey bro you got toilet paper?
GUY IN NEXT STALL: Yeah [slides me toilet paper]
ME: No I don’t need any I’m just checking.
GUY IN NEXT STALL: Why?
ME: Because I care.
My husband just said the words every woman loves to hear, “Let’s order pizza tonight.”
Everyone gets ONE famous scientologist they’re allowed to pretend isn’t really a scientologist in order to fully and purely enjoy their work.
I’m not saying my 4yo is an optimist, but while putting groceries away he held up a bag of cookies and said “I’ll just keep these in my room, ok?”
I’m definitely a ten
…tative 4
I like my coffee like I like my slaves.
Free, you racist.
The baby gets furious when I try to undress him.
He gets that from his mother.
I don’t want to party like it’s 1999, I want to go grocery shopping like it is.
Me: [2013] I don’t trust anyone I meet online
Me: [2018] last night I met someone on Twitter and we’re moving in together to become paranormal investigators
Me: What do you think about that?
Him: *typing*
*typing*
*typing*
*typing*
*typing*
*typing*5 minutes later
K
People who say the Napster guy invented music piracy forget the time I stole my sister’s Violent Femmes CD when I was 13.
“where’s waldo?” is a fun book that teaches children how to properly stalk a nice man who has done nothing do deserve any of this. an indispensable resource for every young creep
Her: are you almost done?
Me: it got a bit tedious in the middle but i’m on the last page
Cheesecake Factory waiter: please sir, my shift ended 4 hours ago
ME: *3D prints a girlfriend* Hey baby
3D Girlfriend: *3D prints a boyfriend* I have a boyfriend
My face is permanently frozen into this scowl. You were right, Grandma.
For those that worship cheese..
I just got excited about a new scent of dish soap.
No one warned me adulthood was going to be such a non-stop thrill ride.
I lost my wife’s audiobook… and now I’ll never hear the end of it!
Me: [Alone in our kitchen making a sandwich]
My teeanager: Why are you trying to embarrass me?
Don’t let anyone treat you like a red flag, you’re the whole damn red carpet baby
Him: “Age is just a number.”
Me: “Technically, age is a word….”
Anyways, that’s how I ended up blocked.
[doing crunches]
Me: get it? ab solution?
Priest: so excommunicated
When they said “History repeats itself,” I wasn’t expecting all of the twentieth century in two years.
It was taking a really long time for the salt shaker to fill up and then I remembered that I’m high.
“What’s your name?”
“Sharky.”
“Is that your real name?”
“Does it matter?”
“I guess not.”
*hands me my order*
Didn’t find out until I got to work that these exposed-shoulder tops are intended for women.
Hey yea man, send me that YouTube link. I’m definitely gonna watch it and not just default send back “lol” after a few minutes.
Just learned an important lesson: When texting “wish you were here,” that last e kind of makes it or breaks it.