Birds wouldn’t be so smug in zero gravity, I bet
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Not sure which is more mortifying, the dog bringing your dirty panties to the repairman or the repairman balling them up and throwing them for her.
A stranger was knocking on my door so naturally I hid, but then we locked eyes and she started knocking on my window. Thought this was common knowledge but if you’re knocking on a door and you see the person crouching under their window like an idiot turtle, no one’s home.
A rabbit has a father who has a big hair care product empire and wonders if one day his child will become the Hair heir hare.
ME: it’s a dream come true i never thought my team would sweep the world series
OTHER STADIUM JANITOR: sooner you pick up the broom the sooner we go home
Enough with the movies already. We get it. You’re an actor.
Fridges have magnetic doors because kids used to get stuck in them. We now literally have to tell adults not to eat tide pods.
SOMEBODY: she had a boyfriend who looked like that girlfriend that you had in february of last year
ME: what the hell are you talking about
the banana is probably the most versatile fruit – can’t think of another fruit that can also be used as a gun, boomerang, or phone
If you’ve never baked pot brownies in an Easy Bake Oven… then you’ve never wrote an apology letter to your sister with an Etch A Sketch.
I had a sex dream about my wife last night…except her hair was black instead of blonde…and she looked a lot like my hot neighbor Karen.
interviewer: and how many years of experience do you have being a sandwich?
So everyone in Boston got together and decided you can stop telling us to “be safe.” We figured that part out after shit started exploding.
(Over the Ouija board)
-Wheeere have you plaaaced your hoodiees..
Barkeep. Send a drink over to little ms. thang over there. Tell her it’s from me
Sir, that’s a Ms. Pac-Man machine
*raises glass, winks*
Singin’ in the Rain is a beloved Oscar-winning classic, but singin’ on the train will get you harsh stares and a six seater all to yourself.
Have you tried sticking your head in a bag of rice?
-me, as a therapist
I’m not always a couch potato. For instance, right now I am a chair potato. And later I will be a bed potato.
And when I looked back, there were no footprints in the sand at all. What kind of beach are you running here?
“This has got to be the most boring reality show concept of all ti… wait, did they say TORNADO?”
– Me, totally not getting The Weather Channel
*winning a goldfish at a carnival*
I shall take my small prisoner and be on my way.
I always double-check our garage door is closed at night. I don’t want someone stealing all the stuff we’ve been trying to get rid of for years.
When you realize Christmas and easter take place in the same universe..
What I said: Brush your teeth.
What my 4yo heard: Use the toothbrush to clean the bathroom floor.
Women never understand the importance of cords. We NEED to keep all these cords, just in case! What if we run out of cords!
“People have been laughing at me for years for wearing my swim goggles everywhere for protection but who’s laughing now?”
{Turns around quickly}, “I heard that!”
I’m convinced that my wife took 9 years of education at 3 different colleges just to win all the arguments for the rest of my life.
“You made your bed now lay in it” doesn’t really sound like a punishment to me. I love laying in a freshly made bed.
And other 5am thoughts
I still have a toilet paper stash leftover from Y2K.
mom: you’re grounded for today
me: i can’t wait until i’m an adult and no one can do that to me
[10 years later]
amazon: your package will arrive between 8am and 6pm
Me drunk dialling “oh sorry wrong number”, my Dad “now wait a minute”.