Million Dollar Idea ~ A bathroom mirror that takes pictures.
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“You have a BA? Ooooh! Look at you! Well, I have a BA, an MA, & a PhD.”
– 3rd degree burn
Haven’t heard much from the flat earthers recently. Maybe their membership has plateaued.
ME: my therapist told me to stop talking about people as if they weren’t here
THERAPIST: [rubbing temples] i know
Woke up feeling not too shabby for a 55-year-old. The only problem is I’m still in my 40s.
It’s super offensive when they move on before you did.
The next time you hear a celebrity saying, “we’ll get through this together,” send them your electric bill with a thank you note.
“Sorry about your dress.”
“Sorry about the nudity.”
“Sorry I kept calling your wife sir.” –Me, the day after the office Christmas party.
Tom Cruise still does his own stunts at 55 and I just pulled a muscle reaching for the toilet paper…
“What if you fell down a mountainside but on purpose?” -the invention of skiing
dad: Hand me that Phillips screwdriver
me: *looking*
dad: Isn’t that a Phillips beside you?
me: It says “Craftsman”
dad:
me: Are you crying?
My headphones have been pausing to say “battery low” every 2 minutes for the past hour. This is how music is meant to be enjoyed.
[Twister]
DOG 1: left paw green
DOG 2: i told u this was a terrible idea
DOG 1: cmon Jim just pick the green one
DOG 2: THEYRE ALL GREY GARY
“There’s an all you can eat–”
CUT TO:
My spinning empty office chair
the sweet sweet relief I felt at logging on and seeing 30-50 feral hogs
God: you hate the moon.
Wolf: why?
God: he stole your girlfriend.
Wolf: I have a girlfriend?
God: not anymore.
Wolf: because the moon-
God: -stole her yes.
Wolf: I hate the moon.
God: I know.
Wolf: I just miss her so much.
God: let it out.
Wolf: [takes a deep breath]
I like when flies won’t leave my car on long road trips. Have fun moving to Kansas, you tiny idiot.
[inventing potato chips]
CEO: they’re so fragile, how will they be packaged?
Inventor: in a sturdy box
CEO: nah, let’s go with a bag
Inventor: but they’ll get crushed!
CEO: fill the bag with air
Inventor:
CEO: really strong air
I wish kid’s socks were biodegradable and came on rolls like paper towel. Just rip off a new pair every day and throw the only one you can find from yesterday in the garden
I’m no psychic but I can tell you that pristine white furniture set you just bought for your baby’s room ain’t gonna look like that for long.
I passed my genetic engineering exam with flying koalas.
Girl: Saying hot is disrespectful. You should say ‘beautiful’ instead.
Me: Ok.
Me: Can you please pass the beautiful sauce?
Interviewer: Any questions?
Me: If Bruno Mars had a sex change operation would he change his name to Bruno Venus?
The year is 2016. Dads go out for a vape pen refill and never come back.
[2 Years into Cosmetology School]
Me:[applying perfect contours] When are we gonna start learning about space?
My family has a proud tradition of hunting down the worst possible person we can find, and then marrying them.
I’m a bit of a traditionalist, so on my birthday, I smear my body with embryonic fluid.
friend: i want a bf
me: i want to hold the reins of 2 equally powerful, beautiful horses who run w/perfectly matched paces & also respect me
text from my dad when lebron broke the record
For Halloween my husband asked me to dress up as a nurse, cause that’s one of his fantasies: That we have health care.
Made a joke in the checkout and the woman called me a rascal. Been high on that all day. I’m a RASCAL. Need to buy a whole new rascal wardrobe