SOCRATES: [dying] Plato, my dear pupil, I’ve always wanted to tell you something.
PLATO: Yes, my teacher.
SOCRATES: I often made sweet sweet love to your mom. Now please take good care of my documents.
…
PLATO: [Socrates’s funeral] Too bad he left us no writing.
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5, to her brother: I’m going to punch you in the head.
Me: We don’t hit. Keep your hands to yourself.
[pause]
5, to her brother: I’m going to kick you in the head.
I don’t think a single person at the office noticed that I shaved off my mustache. All I heard all day long was, “Where are your pants?”
I would be a terrible stalker because A) not motivated enough 7) you would always hear the rattle of peanut m&ms behind you.
You can use the phrase “lickity split” as much as you want at work and they can’t fire you.
How to cure a headache
1. Drink a glass of water.
2. Take 10 deep breathes.
3. Give headache your credit card & tell her to go to the mall.
[customs]
“Passport?”
*I lift up my bag & a severed head falls out*
ME: OH NO OH GOD
*still rummaging through bag*
ME: I’ve forgotten it
I just want someone to look at me the way that Wile E. Coyote looks at an ACME product.
[at my funeral]
boss : you’re LATE
Me: “If I need another drink, do you prefer if I rattle my glass or snap my fingers?”
Her:
Never get drunk with someone who has rented a chainsaw or a wood chipper.
They make you fear empty nest syndrome as if you’ll never realize the joy in losing 5 loads of laundry.
I’m starting to think some of you are actually on Facebook.
You know we just joke about being Facebook right?
i asked my husband to get something larger than the tiny bottle of olive oil he usually buys…
The only time you should be faking it is when your pet checks to see if you’re awake
[interview]
So what’s a personal strength?
“Honesty.”
And a failing?
“I murder people who don’t hire me.”
therapist : are you ever worried that-
me: Yes
Unless the girl is hot, when she asks how I want my hair cut, I’ll say “In silence”
[renovating house]
ME: How much to add a panic room?
CONTRACTOR: About $50,000.
ME: How about a mild anxiety room?
Me: It’s time to lose my quarantine 15.
Girl Scouts: Hold my cookies.
I wasnt home for a few days and somebody taught my cat Karate
I’m from the generation when we’re telling a story about our childhood we say “You have to remember, cellphones weren’t around back then.”
My husband asked what I was doing and my phone changed tweeting to twerking and now he has questions.
“Be there in 5,” I text, though I am 30 minutes away, completely nude, and engaged in a fist fight with a neighbor.
😂🤣😂🤣😂🤣
*breaks into museum*
*sprays fine mist to show alarm lasers*
*plays a sweet jam on boombox*
*krumps right into each beam*
Bruce Wayne: hey, how would you like to take a ride in my batmobi—I mean…brucemobile?
Date: uhh
Bruce: my regular normal carmobile
“I like to get off on the right foot.”
“Wow. That’s a VERY specific fetish.”
All great Italian chefs smoke. That’s how they time their cooking. For example, spaghetti boils for 1 cigarette.
Cable Guy: Can I come in your back door?
Me: Maybe for free HBO.
Cable Guy:
Me: I’m kidding…sort of…not really.
Cable Guy:
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