no, autocorrect, i am not searching for dishwasher safe Tupperware kids
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“I’m never gonna do THAT again!”
~ Me, about things I’ll continually do…
Again
14yo: *Asks my husband something*
Husband: *Distracted, doesn’t answer*
14yo: “Hello?? Why is he leaving me on read in real life?”
Only marriage can turn an incorrectly folded towel into an act of war.
[movie night]
Her: Can I pick tonight?
Me: You picked last time and it was horrible
Her: WE WATCHED OUR WEDDING VIDEO
My grandma: I found some toys in storage you can give to your daughter!
Me: oh cool what are they?
Grandma:
Date: I like to take things slow
Me: *puts stolen turtle on table* Hey, so do I
I sexually identify as a cup of ramen noodles. I’m little, cheap, will leave you unsatisfied and i’m the last resort for many people.
Google reviews are always so mixed..
I’m convinced that thumb wars were created when two guys just about to dance with each other got caught
Agent: I have a script for you.
Daniel Radcliffe: Is it weird?
Agent: Yes.
Radcliffe: I’ll do it.
I’m glad we evolved from apes. If we evolved from chameleons, we’d constantly be walking into each other.
4-year-old: What’s that?
Me: A vegetable you won’t like. If you don’t tell Mom, I’ll take it from you.
*eats her bacon*
Alfred: I’ve completed engineering on the new batmobile radar unit
Batman: That’s great and did the dishes do themselves?
Alfred: no sir
Weird how Superman’s an alien but looks exactly like a white dude & then he landed in Kansas & not say, mainland China
Trebek: This aromatic drink shares its name with a letter of the English alphabet
Other contestants: *trying to ring in*
Me: [triumphantly] What is pee?
You’ve restored my faith in humanitNOPE THERE IT GOES AGAIN
It’s actually pretty rude of you to assume that I know what I’m doing
My cooking is nothing that a flame thrower and take away menu can’t fix
Waxing my car.
God knows how it ever got to be so hairy
Me: do you like bad boys?
Her: no
Me: are you sure?
Her: [covers her dog’s ears] okay yes
Masks have freed me to do a whole lot of weird things with my mouth in public that I never even knew I wanted to do.
“you’re odd”
“you are also odd”
“yes”
“so we’re even”
British people react to the @BBC posting baseball content on twitter… 😭
WIFE: get down here!
ME: *from telephone wire* I’m with my friends
WIFE: why are u wearing fake wings?
ME: *to bird next to me* they’re real
Who ya gonna believe babe… me or some random police report.
Annnnd that’s how the fight started.
“This place needs to be sticky, wall to wall.”
-Every 2 year old with a Popsicle.
Elections?Vote for pizza. Throw the pizza slice in the envelope. Not all of it silly! Just a little corner will do. Eat the rest. As usual
“Come on man! I’m sure your superpower is cool! Show me!
“Ok” *stares at two glasses of soda* the diet is on the right.”
“Wow um..neat…”
Shout out to the people wondering what the opposite of in is