I have a three year old, a one year old, and a dog, and when I discover that someone chewed up my magazine and peed on the rug the dog is never my primary suspect.
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I just know I will die trying to pet something I shouldn’t.
When Dr. Seuss wrote, “Oh, The Places You’ll Go,” he did not consider how comfortable my couch would be.
Could a murderer do THIS?
*lawyer points to defendant doing cool tap dance*
I remind the jury that only guilty feet have got no rhythm.
What percentage of the zombies are just chasing you down to tell you they’re vegan?
It’s OK, batteries…no one includes me either.
Sure. I lift.
*lifts donut to mouth*
I’m so damn good at making people mad that even the Dalai Lama would stop meditating to scream at me
*I will not be awkward*
*I will not be awkward*Uber Eats delivery guy: Enjoy your dinner!
Me: Thanks, you too
“your sock has a hole in it” yeah no shit that’s how i get my foot in there linda
“How much for this melted ghost?”
Sir that’s a bed sheet
“You have a lot of them! And they’re packaged? IS THIS GHOST HELL”
This is a Macys
If you love something set it free. If it comes back, celebrate with some delicious tacos. If it doesn’t that’s twice the tacos for you.
Dad Unleashes Haunting Moan Of Satisfaction Upon Descending Into Hot Tub
Diets are for people who can’t afford to buy bigger clothes.
My sons kidnappers: if u ever want to see your son alive, press 1. Para Español marque dos
Me: ugh i just want to speak to a real person
I never know how to eat a banana in front of colleagues. To prevent making anyone uncomfortable, I use a knife and fork.
When you’ve brought up your child to be kind and never take sides.
Husband: Who’s fatter – mummy or daddy?
Miss 8: You both are.
One business idea I have is tell people you’re giving them plastic surgery but instead of giving them plastic surgery just let them sleep for 9 hours and then call it “subtle”
In ancient Egypt a man went around selling burial monuments that didn’t actually exist.
Fortunately people caught on to his pyramid scheme.
babe are you okay??? you’ve barely touched your chromatica limited edition curry
Instead of a happy ending the masseuse gave me an indie movie ending. She stopped suddenly at a random point and left everything unresolved.
*meeting an actual guy*
Him: Who’s your team?
Me, not a sports guy: I really enjoy a good tussle from the *reads off palm* Green Day Flockers but I love all sports ball participants
Them: “Live in the moment!”
Me: “HAVE YOU SEEN THIS MOMENT?”
The only thing worse than a mandatory office get together, is a virtual mandatory office get together
Gordon Ramsey: Tell us about your dish
Me, a dad: Just eat it because I’m not making anything else
I hugged someone else’s mom at a park once and now mine won’t pick me up bc I smell like other mom now
Him: Don’t say anything about his hair
Me: Ok
My brain: HOW hair hairy HAVE hair YOU hairy hair BEEN? hair
Jurassic Park III on AMC. 10 min. in, 2 young scientists studying dinosaur fossils. FOSSILS. Hey, ‘member how THERE ARE ALIVE DINOSAURS NOW?
A good comeback when someone doesn’t believe you’re a time traveler is “Yeah well nobody cried at your funeral.”
Every time I see inside my neighbour’s incredibly pristine garage, I wonder what secret shenanigans he is up to in his basement.
coworker relationships are so bizarre like i wouldn’t acknowledge you in public but i def know all about how your great aunt poisoned your great uncle for a life insurance payout.