2019: the floor is lava
2020: literally don’t touch anything
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NEWLYWED FRIEND: i just love him so much, i always want to be around him!
ME: you haven’t heard him eat cereal yet, have you
[assembling baby’s cot]
Wife: take that bit off
Me [reluctantly removing the machine gun turret]: so anyone can just walk in here then
He held up my pants and said “Are you sure these are yours? They look small. You can fit in these??”
Judge: Not guilty. You’re free to go.
please tell me the Barbie movie ends with Barbie and Ken walking away from a massive pink explosion in slow motion and Ken says “come on, Barbie, let’s go party”
Interviewer: where do you see yourself in 5 years
Me: punching a goose in its mouth
Interviewer: you know actually we’ve already filled the position
Me: *clenches fist* was it a goose
It’s about time you stopped being a bystander and became a passerby.
psychic: “I see… I see kids in your future”
me: “but I’ve had a vasectomy”
[9 months later … me tending a goat farm]
“This’s bullshit”
The average parent spends roughly 2.7 years of their life picking up crayons from under restaurant tables.
Instead of throwing away broken phone charger cords, 5 years ago I started saving them for an experiment. I’m 3 cords away from a complete world wrap around.
Me: hi. I’m maddie. I’m ready to overeat, anonymously
Overeaters Anonymous leader: you’ve misunderstood
I don’t want to house hunt, I only do it to keep house populations in check.
STOP PUTTING DIARRHOEA MEDICATION ON THE BOTTOM SHELF
Weird how tea bags come with that little fuse sticking out of them—I’ve lit hundreds of them over the years but only a handful have ever exploded
*5 people I know walk right past me at the store*
Me: *patting mask* thank you
pinnochio trying to win a 40 yard dash by lying as fast as he can at the end
Me: this math stuff isn’t gonna help us in the real world
[20 years later]
Boss: ok lift on three
Me: oh shit
Who called it a yes man and not an indulge gent
Did a Yoga for Beginners class this morning. What comes before the beginner class?
Me: *walks up to Walgreens cashier with a pack of condoms* Excuse me, where are your fitting rooms?
*puts words between two asterisks*
Before meeting a hot chick, wish I could talk to the dude who’s sick of her bullshit.
When you meet a flat-earther in real life don’t bother arguing. You need to immediately outcrazy that shit. “Don’t tell me you believe in ‘Earth,’” you’ll demand.
When I borrow books about WW2 the librarian doesn’t assume I’m planning to invade Poland, so why does she eye me like I’m researching how to be a better serial killer if I take out something on guys like Ed Gein or Ted Bundy?
My heist companions jump into the car, screaming, “GO! GO!” at me.
I frantically lick sauce off my fingers, trying to pack up my leftover spare ribs…
First person ever to clap: *starts smacking hands together*
People: Look at this idiot…we should do it too
I don’t believe in all your ghosts, crystals and astrology hocus-pocus unless I have a shot at you. In which case, I’m a Gemini and, my god, your aura is transcendent.
Well, well, well, if it isn’t the consequences of my own food choices.
What did the boy with no hands get for christmas?
Gloves!
Just kidding, I don’t know what he got. He hasn’t opened it yet.
Review of the Solar System
⭐☆☆☆☆
“Only one star”
The child that I carried in my uterus for 9 months & suffered through 13 hrs of labor for just asked if he could have my pickle.
Hell. No.