everytime IT tells me to clear my cache and cookies i imagine giving away my money and treats
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Wife: I’m glad you’re watching TLC and looking to improve yourself. So who are your new friends?
Husband: These would be your Sister Wives
The best text messages are those that contain a warning that they are going to stop by your house, that way you know not to answer the door.
Jeff Bezos confirms he’s no longer the world’s richest man as Bill Gates has cancelled his Amazon Prime subscription.
“I hate fancy restaurants. I can never pronounce anything on the menu”
-me, drunk, holding the Waffle House menu upside down
Even death won’t stop my mom from criticizing me
At least six times I day I stare at my desk and wonder which object will injure me enough to get me out of work but not hurt that much.
*first date*
Guy: I like when a girl has curvesMe, taking off my Spanx: behold
[Orca Winfrey Show]
ORCA: “You get a carp! You get a carp! You get a carp!
AQUATIC AUDIENCE: *just screaming their gills off*
My doctor told me humans need to have an average of 8 cups of water a day.
Which means if just 4 of you have 10 a day I don’t need to have any.
I don’t normally shit with the door open but I don’t want to miss the in flight movie
Officer: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: I don’t even know why I exist.
[First date]
“So, do you have any pets?”
Yeah, I have a pet crow. He’s white.
“You have an albino crow?”
He prefers the term cawcasian.
If you call pooping ‘taking a dumpling’ it’s too cute for people to care where you did it
PRIEST: 1st the groom’s vows.
ME: *Unfolds notes* I’m only doing this for the cake.
PRIEST: That’s not really-
HER: That’s what I wrote too.
Me: I need to sleep
Ambien: do worms have buttholes? You should text your boss
When my wife and I married we both agreed we would never go to sleep angry.
Neither of us has slept in 16 years.
Squirrels get most of their energy from chewing on powerlines, that acorn thing is just for show.
Why procrastinate today
When you could procrastinate tomorrow
me: this could have been an email
cop: step out of the car sir
[steps off treadmill]
“Hey girl [out of breath, hands on knee] you like f-fitness? Cos I’m fitn–”
“Shall I call an ambulance?”
“Please.”
Cop: Do you have any drugs in the car?
Me: Absolutely not. Trust me, I’ve looked.
I was home alone the other day and was frightened by a very loud noise, then I realized it was just my stomach growling.
Teacher: What is the world’s laziest creature? You, at the back
Me, at the back: rude
*rocks out at concert*
*holds up lighter*
*millennials scream*
*mass chaos, crying*
*I’m tackled*
*one old guy high-fives me as I go down*
At my funeral, please make my dead body do the ‘walking down stairs behind a couch’ into the grave
*hands cashier chihuahua*
“One waffle cone, please.”
Clapping was invented by white people at concerts, because we have no idea what to do with our hands when we dance.
Me: Be still you have something on your face.
4: Is it a snail?
Me: No. Why would a snail be on your face?
4: I don’t know mommy weird stuff happens sometimes.
I never understood why a set of false teeth is called “dentures”.
They really missed an opportunity to call it “substitooths”.
What my husband said: How about you run to Target for cleaning supplies and I’ll hang with the kids
What I heard: How about you run to Target alone so you have the freedom to spend this months mortgage payment on unnecessary home decor and a 2020 calendar that you’ll never use