Pediatrician: They’re only getting two hours of screen time a day, right?
Me: HAHAHAHA! I mean, yes.
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Unlike in Westworld, “freeze all motor functions” does not stop my 3yo from trying to wash my phone in the toilet.
ME: this isn’t curing anything
SNAKE OIL SALESMAN: no refunds
ME: *oiling my snake* i didn’t say i don’t like it
My friend got my girls slime for their bday so I’m getting her daughter a harmonica for hers.
THEM: Hey–
ME: Ring ring. I gotta take this.
THEM: I just watched you say “ring ring.”
ME: Ring ring. Yeah, this is really important.
[guy at party who’s embarrassed that he’s allergic to cats] how funny would it be if we snorted a line of Zyrtec hahah
What’s the biggest problem you have with your name?
My biggest problem?
Me: “Hi, I’m Marcus. Nice to meet you.”
Business people: “Hi, Marcus. Do you go by Mark?”
Me: “No. If I did then don’t you think I’d introduce myself as that?”
“Better stop now before I do something to embarrass myself”
~me, never
My husband and I took our dog Ruckus ride and when he turned down a road with huge potholes I said, “ouch” and a few seconds later he said I’M SO SORRY RUCKUS, I’M TRYING TO AVOID THE HOLES!
I hope one day to find someone who loves me as much as my husband loves the dog.
Just spent 5 minutes waving my hands in front of a manual paper towel dispenser if anyone needs someone to take their SAT exam for them.
I think that at least twice a week it should be acceptable to fall asleep with your clothes on and change to your pj’s to go to work
*tells the kids to stop skateboarding in the house*
**skateboards in the house after they go to sleep**
interviewer: what are your strengths?
me: I know where you live
Those 11 British actors I watch on every single show must be so tired.
Who do you reach for in the middle of the night?
me, thinkng about the bottle of tums on my nightstand: definitely you babe
I have nothing positive to report.
Except that roadside drug test.
*5 people I know walk right past me at the store*
Me: *patting mask* thank you
My kids asked me where dinner is? Oh shit, was that today?
Butterflies? I want a man who gives me Mothra
Jurassic Park, but all of the raptors are played by Jim Carrey.
Guys that have a hard time meeting girls, have you tried painting some wings on the side of a building and waiting for them to come take pictures?
I think I was like 19 years old before I realized pirates had English accents
“girls just want to have fun” no. i want one million dollars cash
smartest karate player in the world
Me: *practices best man speech while shaving in front of mirror*
Driver’s ed instructor: stop the car
My neighbor told me to close the curtains when I’m naked, but then I don’t get that cool sensation of pressing up against the window glass
Just thinking about the time when my then 5y/o son wanted to be Indiana Jones for Halloween. He never saw the movie, but thought it’d be cool to have a whip so he could “whip all the annoying people” and I thought it was funny until he told me that I was one of them.
Go suck an egg. Lick a mango. Breathe on an avocado. Make everyone at the grocery store uncomfortable.
You: Feeling cute. Might delete later.
Everyone: Please
Shit. My daughter just told me that the handwriting on the Tooth Fairy’s I.O.U. looks the same as mine.