Some of y’all tweet about Mondays like it caught you by surprise
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POLICE CHIEF: so did you solve the case
ME: not yet, I spent all week hanging these pictures and newspaper clippings on the wall and connecting them with yarn
CHIEF: …
ME: looks cool doesn’t-
CHIEF: totally looks cool
What is the acceptable amount of deviled eggs one can eat in a job interview? This dude just said 5 is too many, and that CANNOT be right?
Stewardess: Both pilots are unconscious! Does anyone know how to land a plane?!
Dad who’s fed his toddler several times: *confidently stands up*
Oh so when Van Helsing kills a vampire he’s a hero, but when I do it I’m “ruining Halloween”
A boy asked his bitcoin-investing dad for 1 bitcoin for his birthday.
Dad: What? $15,554??? $14,354 is a lot of money! What do you need $16,782 for anyway?
cop: are you sure your identity’s been stolen
: very
ARUGULA is my favorite vegetable whose name sounds like a car horn from the 50’s.
I love rotting in bed. My vision board is just a picture of the grandparents in Willy Wonka
*drops a couple pew-pews from my finger guns into the offering basket at church*
No one is full of more false hope than a parent with a new chore chart.
I am pretty impressed with the woman that created the algorithm to take the first photo of a black hole. Especially because it took me four tries to correctly spell the word “algorithm.”
Chemistry teacher: Did you know that protons have mass?
Me: I didn’t ever know they were catholic
Teacher: 😐😐😐
midwife: “congratulations keith, you have a baby boy, he’s exactly 7 pounds”
me: [looks at my wife as i pat my pockets] “i didn’t bring any money”
What if I just start doing things that make me happy? Nahhhh can’t dispose of that many dead bodies.
Sorry, the dog stood on my keyboard and liked that Instagram photo of you from 47 weeks ago.
Diet app pops up “What did you have for dinner?”
*looking at glass of wine*
*turns off phone*
the holes in my logic are there so it can breathe
“to my son, i leave my bathroom scale” the lawyer sighs “because where theres a will, theres a weigh. to my wife, i leave my last high five”
I’m telling you, my cat mimics my every move. And that wouldn’t be a problem if she wasn’t constantly trying to steal my fake eye lashes
Her: My name is Katherine but you can call me Bunnie!
Me: No, Katherine. I don’t believe I can.
6-year-old: Is it cold outside?
Me: Yeah. You should put on a sweater.
6: I should stay home.
Me: Sit.
Dog: (confused dog look)
Me: Stay!
Dog: (continues packing suitcase)
Clerk: Sir this is an awful lot of cheese for one person.
Me: What?
C: You should be ashamed of yourself, panic buying is not the answer.
M: Panic buying? Um, what are you talking about, 7 blocks of cheese is a normal week for me.
C:
M:
C: Have a nice day
interviewer: why did you leave your last job
me: because my boss said he was going to call the cops
Good Cop: If you confess now, you’ll probably just get probation.
Fad Cop: Hey Macarena!
theory: eating m&ms one at a time will decrease my chances of eating them all in one sitting and feeling terrible later.
findings: I am going to barf very soon.
It doesn’t take long after becoming a parent to figure out why the people that wrote nursery rhymes sounded like they were drunk.
I choose a lazy person to do a hard job. Because a lazy person will find an easy way to do it. – Bill Gates
How is it this guy has not hired me yet?
Groom: Dude, the invitation was for Gandalf the Grey.
Gandalf: Oh, it’s Gandalf the White now.
Bride: [fuming]
Gandalf: [looks fabulous]
If you don’t believe aliens walk amongst us, who else could write such unnatural dialogue in pharmaceutical commercials?