The worst part about getting Covid was losing my ability to smell what The Rock was cooking. 😕
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Wife: “I’m sick and tired of your walkie-talkie obsession. This marriage is over.”
Me: “You broke up there. This marriage is what? Over.”
I can’t wait for the stage of capitalism where we have to watch a 15 second advertisement before we remember a memory.
Who called it a period tracker and not a flow chart?
I got tested this morning for Covid-19. Ouch. Those nasal swabs go deep. Jeez, buy a gal dinner first.
[trust fall exercise at work]
CW: *closes eyes, falls, hits floor* OUCH! WTF?! YOU DIDN’T CATCH ME!
M: Sorry, I thought it was optional.
Well, my grandmother will be happy to know that Gypsies are not as much of a threat as she anticipated.
Most drug-sniffing dogs refuse to admit they have a problem
I was up all night reading about insomnia
[5 minutes after being trapped in an elevator]
Finally, an excuse to drink my own urine
I just paid off a credit card debt with a different credit card & now I get why people rob banks.
what’s something i can do besides get married where i can be the center of attention and everyone cries and tells me how beautiful i am
The doctor suggested I replace the the pasta in my diet with more vegetables, so I chose potatoes.
You can choose to ignore a diarrhea joke, but you can’t outrun it.
I survived catholic school taught by actual nuns and now nothing scares me. Except ghosts…of nuns
New dad: my kid started teething it’s awful.
Me: want some advice?
New dad: please!
Me: step 1 get a bottle of whiskey.
New dad: okay.
Me: step 2 drink it all.
People who complain about parties must not like free food.
As it may promote gay propaganda & non traditional sex, pictures from my workout this afternoon will not be published.
“yer a magician, harry” hagrid said to hary houdini when he graduted magic academy
normalize having existential bread
Rise and shine, people. It’ll be dark again in about an hour.
*checks real estate listings on other planets*
Can’t, busy teaching a toddler gang signs.
*aggressively waits in line*
What do we want?
Cheese.
When do we want it?
I already ate it.
Awwww, your kids sound like they are still adorable. My kids are teenagers. They make “yo mama” jokes and then look over at me nervously.
You fool…sexy ladies are throwing themselves at you and you’re ignoring them because internet nerds have convinced you that “bots” are real
[strangers in goat masks dance around a bonfire as I’m being tied to a wooden stake] It’s getting pretty late guys, I should probably head out
Me: I’m starting my diet today
Husband: I’m picking up some fried bacon wrapped shrimp. Do you wan–
Me: I’ll take a hundred
Gave my seat to a blind man on the bus.
Lost my job as a bus driver.
Autocorrect changed ‘are you around?’ to ‘are you aroused?’ and my buddy didn’t want to hang out today.