My Cinderella story is backward.
I started out a princess.
Got drunk and lost a shoe when I
met a handsome guy.Now I scrub the floors.
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Afraid of sharks? Simply wear a string bikini in the ocean – you’ll be so busy trying to keep it on that you’ll forget that you’re swimming amongst gigantic murdering fishies
I want to be gangsta but my grandma said no
you want me to sit in the back seat? the thing that killed JFK?
I read all tweets with poor grammar and word choice in a Cookie Monster voice.
I wanted my girlfriend to give me some time alone so we got married.
Spent the day decorating the house for Christmas and my wife spent the day re-decorating the house for Christmas.
How can you tell when a duck is a witch?
Got booted from the rest stop bathroom for tickling everyone’s ankles
Say it with flowers.
If that doesn’t work, say it with arson.
[First day as a detective]
Me *pouring a drink*: let’s play never have I ever
Murder suspect:
Me: never have I ever shot a guy
Suspect:
Me: never have I killed guy… even by accident? *nudges their drink closer*
Suspect: dude stop
Me: *mouthing* ᵀᵃᵏᵉ ᵃ ˢᶦᵖ
Me: I heard the Herpes Virus is linked to Alzheimers.
Pharmacist: True. Name please.
Me: I have no idea.
*waking up from a nightmare* okay no this is worse
“Church of England Formally Approves Female Bishops”. Congratulations British women! You can now move diagonally!
Diet update: I’m already down 3 scales after throwing them out the window.
I packed a picnic lunch. Meet me by the abandoned ferris wheel at Chernobyl. I’ve heard glowing reviews.
best thing about being funny and having a gf is that I give her the hiccups from doing such good jokes and then I can make fun of her for having the hiccups for the next half hour
FOR SALE: one Ferris wheel. Fair condition.
“But you just went pee”
– A Family Vacation Memoir
DoorDash is great if you like having a sandwich and also 13 emails
me: [dead in the morgue] *turns fan on for noise*
I have tendinitis so bad the doctor told me it was twentydinitis.
People are like “I’m gonna ugly cry” and I’m like “with that face, no doubt”
Going to the place where all the good snacks are: The Gas Station
My toddler climbed out of her crib and my first thought was “Why don’t they make some kind of lid or attachment for the top of these things?”
Then I realized thaaaaat’s a cage.
Went to a Halloween party at the zoo, the animals were dressed as sexy people.
Shred some cheese for me? Thanks, you’re the gratist
Genuinely stunned France has adopted the word “wifi” rather than “le signal librement accessible sans l’utilisation de fils” or some shit.
SHAKESPEARE: Brevity is the soul of wit.
ME: *Shows him twitter*
SHAKESPEARE: Okay, well, no, obviously not like that.
Dog: I’m a man’s best friend, he even named one of his teeth after me.
Pussycat: Yeah, you’re not gonna win this one.