1. Rage against the machine.
2. Check to make sure machine is plugged in.
3. Apologize to the toaster for the misunderstanding.
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i worry GPS sometimes gives me a slower route so it can clear the good roads for drivers it likes better
me: the show is at 7, want to get there at 6:45?
dad: sure 6 it is
me: i said 6:45
dad: yup 6
me: 6:30?
dad: right we’re on the same page, 6
me: we don’t need to get there an hour early
dad: we can’t arrive right at showtime
me: there are other options
dad: i don’t understand
*Approaches girl at bar*
Brain: Say you like her eyes. No, hair. Actually, go for eyes!
Me: You have lovely hairy eyes
Brain: My bad.
Me: Knock knock.
Psychic: Ha! Good one.
Academic paper protip:
end your Conclusion section with
“just as the old woman in the forest predicted”
or
“in defiance of the prophecies”
11: can I see one of your last tweets?
Me: *pulls up tweet*
11: no, I meant a funny one
Not me, making a fresh batch of no bake cookies because I don’t want the kids to know I ate all of the no bake cookies we made yesterday.
My boyfriend said that I’m more than enough woman for him, and now I’m mad because I think he called me fat.
What he says: Ya know, your mom is actually right.
What I hear: So, you have chosen death.
The great thing about having three young kids is that you’re never lonely at midnight, or 1am, or 2am, or 3am…
*leads a conga line off of a bridge
Holmes: “I say, old bean, is that mud on your boots?” Watson: “No, shit, Sherlock”
Pacman: I feel like a woman trapped in a man’s body! I want the procedure, doc.
Dr.: Very well. Just relax..
*puts bow on Pacman’s head
[trapped inside a volcano]
Me:
Toddler:
Me:
Toddler: Be Careful…
Me: *sigh*
Toddler: The floor is lava…
“Whale, whale, whale, what do we have here?”
~ God, doing whale inventory & coming across an unexpected non-whale after counting three whales.
Is there anything better than a hug or taking a tinkle after a 9 hour car ride?
GF says my bike helmet looks ridiculous, but I’d rather be “uncool” than fall and crack my head open in the middle of having sex.
guys: women are a mystery.
women: Here is what we-
guys: LITERALLY WHAT DO THEY WANT?
women: well for start-
guys: Guess we’ll never know!
Feeling low? Ask a toddler to say hippopopimas… no wait hippoppotimis… you what forget it.
I googled my symptoms and it turns out that half of y’all are stupid 🤕
My Alexa can now understand my toddler.
Pray for me.
wife: im sick of him jeopardizing our marriage
therapist: how do you respond to that kyle?
me: ill take susan is being a huge baby for $600
Sometimes I like to trick my dryer by selecting the Bedding setting when the load is really jeans and towels.
nothing worse than an american ‘alcoholic’ who enters rehab because they drink in a month what a normal british person would on a two hour train journey.
My boss encouraged us to think about why we come to work every day.
I don’t think “I need money to live” was the answer she was looking for.
My 6 year old keeps trying to play with me. What does he think I had his little sister for?!
It’s possible to suck at everything if you put your mouth to it.
*putting wrinkle cream on my crow’s feet*
HOLD STILL, MR. VANDERBEAK!
Some lady at Olive Garden died, so we’re rummaging through her stuff. Just like a real family.
Me: wanna go cow tipping?
Other person: that sounds fun
*LATER*
Me: *handing cow five dollars* thanks for the milk, Daisy