I’m seriously considering taking up falconry. Someone pisses me off? BAM! Falcon, right in the face.
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Give a fish a worm, he lives another day
Teach a fish to worm, he becomes the best breakdancing fish around
*limbos under the caution tape
A great way to make people nervous is to tell them where the bathroom is without their asking.
i’m the instant oatmeal packets in your pantry that you never want, but are glad you have.
Instead of a vasectomy they should have just called it a spermaban.
me: *donates two bucks to guy outside gas station*
guy: *takes off mask to reveal he’s actually wikipedia* i got you i finally got you
I could easily defuse any bomb as long as the bomb squad guy told me what to do through the headset
What stage of marriage is it when you’re uncomfortable because they’re being nice to you?
Never say never. Unless someone asks you when you want to go camping. Then the right answer is always “Never”.
*finds baby on doorstep*
Me: Should…should we keep it?
Wife: …Let’s sleep on it
Me: (wide-eyed) Christ Deborah that’d kill him
tag yourself, i’m “man in green bird costume”
I’m sorry I showed you snaps from my colonoscopy after you made me look at your ultrasound. I thought we were sharing pics of our innards.
I was raised Catholic. I know all the rules. And I broke most of them. 😈
*pronounces “vaseline” like “baseline”*
My 89 y/o grandmother, who is isolated at home in CT, just told me she reads the replies to my tweets and then investigates the profiles of people who leave rude replies. So don’t be mean to me or my grandma will judge you.
How school works:
In class: 2+2=4
Homework: 2+4+2=8
Exam: John had 4 apples.He eats one and gives one to a friend. Calculate the Sun’s mass.
I got the Pfizer vaccine and pso pfar pno pside effects.
i’m teaching my toddler that cauliflower is “frightened broccoli” and there is nothing you can do about it
I get knocked down, but I get…ooooh look, a fruit snack
HITMAN: Your husband’s sleeping with the fishes
MERMAID: I know, that’s why I want him killed
If happiness is a moving target and I’ve been chasing it all my life, why am I fat?
You two just need to get out more.
– Me, giving Abe Lincoln relationship advice
My husband’s parenting style is to menacingly say “Yeah!” after everything I say when I reprimand the kids.
“my eye is up here”
-Illuminati pyramid
It’s at times like this we need to be good to ourselves:
Catch up on some sleep.
Eat your favorite foods.
Watch that boxset you’ve been putting off.
Let your kid have a beer for breakfast.
Make your dog some armor.
My handwriting looks like a fiddler crab riding a tricycle. No, FIGHTING a tricycle.
The bartender said I could have a free drink if I stopped saying “that’s what she said” so I said “challenge accepted” and she replied “let’s see how long you keep this up”…and then I paid for my next drink
Don’t believe everything you read on a Mayan stone carving
date: i like the strong silent type
me: [quietly trying to lift the table over my head]