Always take one positive friend & one negative friend on road trips. Then if your battery dies, you can hook cables to them & start your car
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Husband “I thought you were dieting?”
Me “I am”
Husband “You just ate 6 Oreos”
Me “Yes but I want to eat 12. See – Dieting”
When listening to skinny girls talk about losing weight it’s perfectly reasonable to battle cry then karate chop their tiny stomach’s.
Sometimes I worry that my son’s childhood is too happy and he won’t be funny when he’s older.
[getting a ride home]
Me: ok keep going straight here
Train engineer: stop saying that
spell restraraurarauant without autocorrect i dare you
Me: *Chivalrously places jacket on a puddle so the lady won’t step in it*
Woman whose water just broke: Please just call 911
🏙👨🏼
I’m surprised so few people ask me why I’m carrying a cudgel around.
My kids went to great lengths, including the use of interpretative dance, to explain exactly how big the bags under my eyes are
If you’ve ever wondered about the joys of parenting
guy at bar: if u have a problem say it to my face
me: [leaning close] my boss called me lazy
her: did you bring protection?
me: of course [into earpiece] if she tries anything, take the shot
wife: omg what are you doing?
me: wrapping presents
wife:
me:
wife: IS THAT ALUMINUM FOIL?!
What wine goes well with two ungrateful teenagers, an oppressive boss and insurmountable credit card debt?
Boss: you’re late
Me: *grabs his coffee* thanks, though it’s pronounced ‘latte’
Normal people driving by a construction site: wonder what they’re building…
Me: what a great place to bury a body!
I have to eat my last meal of the day earlier and earlier as time goes by or I won’t be able to sleep at night
I had supper at 10:30 this morning today
Mazda’s marketing slogan is “We Build Mazdas.” They decided on it after rejecting others like: “Mazdas Are Cars” and “Buy Mazdas With Money”
Friend: If you love cheeseburgers so much, why don’t you marry one?!
*looks at wife, wife shakes her head
Me: I’m not allowed
*kicks dirt
damn he’s good
how much longer is mercury in the microwave i don’t know if i can handle it
Took the road less travelled after telling the wife that we didn’t need to stop and ask for directions.
The first person to see a sunset was probably like well this ain’t good.
I had a wonderful conversation sitting up front with a taxi driver. A great guy. Even let me try out my poor Mandarin on him. Then he said, “You look great. Really. Wonderful. Are you over 90?”
“I’m 83.”
“Really? You’re only 83?”
“Just drop me here. “
6 more days, guys.. That’s December 26. The day everybody puts their shitty Xmas gifts on Ebay so poor people, like me, can buy them!
Your mission, Ethan, should you choose to accept it, no pressure, mind you, 100% your call, can’t stress that enough, you and I are cool either way, but in any case, there’s this plutonium…
Me: come here often?
Her: THIS IS MY BEDROOM IM CALLING THE COPS
If I’m going to pick up something and I ask you, “What would you like?“ and you say “I don’t know, surprise me” I will come back with nothing for you, cuz surprise, you should of made a decision.
Salt and pepper shakers add an air of mystique to any bathroom
Here is my toddler homeschooling schedule. Any questions?
8-10am: frozen
10-12pm: frozen 2
*lunch*
1-3: frozen
3-5:frozen 2
*dinner*
6-8pm: frozen
*bed*
Why does lipgloss last 43 minutes on my lips but 17 years on my coffee mug?