Dogs Barking at Night Translated
Dog 1: Hey! I’m a dog!
Dog 2: No way! I, too, am a dog!
Dog 3: Ok, you guys aren’t going to believe this…
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Is the speed limit the same if you’re driving in reverse?
Me: I’m just really tired, like, I only have enough brain power to think “where’s Kate Middleton?”
Therapist: Oh I haven’t really kept up on that
Me: OH HO HO
the first time my brother got covid, he decided to shave his head and tell everyone it was one of the symptoms, which was just so wrong yet so very very funny
bank teller: I can’t read this note, it’s in cursive
bank robber: *angry boomer noises*
*grabbing my own shoulders and shaking myself* PLEASE, for the love of god, just tell me what you want
If you are going to call something super, it better have a cape. I’m looking at you, tampons.
i listed my ex as my emergency contact at my new job bc if i have a heart attack i need to tell kathy to burn in hell one last time
ME: Happy Valentine’s Day! Enjoy these chocolates.
HER: Ugh, these are all coconut. Did you get me anything else?
ME: *awkwardly hands her a bouquet of coconuts*
“Can I be completely honest with you?”
— someone about to piss me off
Me: I never use essential oils
Car mechanic: that’s why it’s on fire
cold water immersion sounds cool but i’m doing this other thing called warm bed immersion
Pretty upsetting that during such a time of pandemic, some people are refusing to take their work home with them… Like my children’s nanny
ME: I’ve got this nervous tick
DR: Since when?
ME: [taking small arachnid from pocket] July?
MICK: [sweating] You said you’d do the talking
9-year-old: Why do we have to dress up for church?
Me: To show God we have our act together.
9: But he knows we’re lying.
If I was a girl my best friend would have to come untangle me at least twice a week because I tried to take my bra off through my sleeve
[first karate lesson]
Me: *entering dojo* BONSAI!!!
Sensei: Do you mean ‘Banzai’?
Me: *just starts chucking little trees at Sensei*
Flex on your mother in-law by leaving nursing home pamphlets lying around the house.
Anteater Kid: What’s for dinner?
Anteater Mom: Don’t be a smart ass, Brandon.
ART TEACHER: Why have you painted the water green again? It looks-
ME: I’m bringing *puts on sunglasses* Shrek sea back
AT: You’re expelled
My toddler just threw her teddy bear out of her crib like she works for United Airlines.
Is there a bravery award I can nominate my son for as he managed to eat his toast despite the fact I cut it wrong.
“What? Only 2% Milk? Then what’s the other 98%!?”
[bull walking confidently out of the factory]
Oh you don’t wanna know
I don’t think my neighbor knows my rule about not interacting unless we’re both pointing at the same tornado.
You’re in a work meeting and your boss asks, “Any questions?”
The answer is always, NO.
the look on his face when he realizes he’s being watched is absolutely adorable
(jukin media)
Sorry, can’t. My husband is having a snoring contest with the dog and apparently I’m the judge.
My friend of mine likes to name her cars. She jokingly named her car after me. As soon as she did it started leaking oil and backfiring.
I am not shocked.
MY MOM: [handing me my hulk hands] Good luck on your date tonight.
“netflix: are you still watching” bro, i have kids, i’ve been trying
When a girl walks in with an itty bitty waist and a round thing in your face you get