Happy Teacher’s day, Wikipedia.
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Look, mom, we can keep arguing about whether or not 28 is too old to live your parents but it’s not gonna help us find my iguana any faster.
Cop 1: You think Simon will escape?
Cop 2: Nah, he’s locked up in there good.
Simon: Simon Says free me.
Cop 1: Dang it, he got us.
“Let me be clear” the sliding glass door said as I face planted it.
[Hospital]
Doctor:”…and so the baby is fine.”
Me:”And my wife?”
Doc:”I’m afraid she’s critical”
Me:”I know! But how is she?”
[Sporting goods store]
Me: *buying skis* No need for a bag my good man. I’ll be wearing them out
Thank god it‘s friday. Only 40 more years of working.
I don’t wear a watch because my inner 3yo thinks nothing exists until I get there.
Whenever I’m in doubt, I ask myself “What would Jesus do?” then I remember Jesus got crucified, his decision making skills weren’t brilliant
Interstellar (2014) – A widower utilizes mankind’s greatest technology to get as far away as possible from his kids.
me, one hour into the “no solid food for three weeks” thinkin about pizza
[flirting]
ME: Do you come here often?
HER: Sir, I’m the librarian.
ME: Uh huh.
HER: And this is a library.
ME: Oh, gotcha.
HER: Okay then.
ME: *whispers* Soooo, do you come here often?
me: wats ur favorite cheese
date: camembert
me: o thats ok let me kno when u remember
He’s dead
If you see me out in public but we haven’t spoken since high school let’s keep it that way.
*watches Beauty and the Beast*
*looks at dirty dishes in sink*
WASH YOURSELVES AND SING TO ME!
Maintaining the universe’s equilibrium by taking on all the stuff everyone is giving up for Lent
COP: Tell me what you saw
ME: Jersey Boys
COP: *sighs* at the crime scene
ME: No, at the theatre
I just saw a man get hit by a car…he got hit & fell down & then got up & chased the car down the block!!!! His legs must be strong as shit
Just havin’ brunch on my balcony, shootin’ down drones. They’re gettin’ crafty with these drones. The last one looked a lot like a bird. They all did actually. Squawkin’ and whatnot, feathers flyin’ everywhere. Nice try, drones.
i don’t see why i have to clean the shower. imo it is the shower’s job to clean me
My favorite part of going to the bathroom are the little notes my 7yo slides under the door saying “we are hungry”
All 3 accessible parking places in the school parking lot were taken by parents without accessible placards. So I parked sideways behind them and blocked all three in with my placard displayed. 😘
if one member of the motorcycle gang has to pee do they all stop or does he just have to catch back up?
7: are eggs vegetables?
10: no! and they’re not fruit either, they’re children!
Airport Yelp reviews are like “security took forever, drinks are too expensive 1/5 stars. Will fly again”
Me: *draws pentagram, chants in latin*
Demon: *possesses me*
Me: *head spins around, neck cracks several times* ahh yeah that’s the shit
Demon: same time next week?
To sell their vehicles one company is featuring a heart felt country ballad, “I’ve got a heart like a truck.” So, if you live in the suburbs do you have a heart like a four door sedan?
[interview]
“Says here, you like to master debate in your free time?”“Yeah, sorry, that’s a typo”
I loved her polka dot dress. She had really nice taste and always looked amazing.
-me as a witness, describing the murderer