I’ve received so many Viagra emails my laptop opened on its own.
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is he attractive or did he just reply to your message with full sentences in a timely manner
If you ever want your kids to communicate with you, just make sure you’re talking to someone else on the phone.
If this doesn’t sum up England nothing will 😂😂 #snow #weather #uk
[reading message i found in a bottle that drifted onto the beach]
to myself: “updog.. what’s updog?”
[another bottle hits my foot]
HOT SINGLES IN YOUR AREA ARE HIDING BEHIND THE CORNER. THEY ARE GOING TO JUMP OUT AND TAKE YOUR PHONE, WALLET AND PURSE.
Everyone on the bus thinks that they are the main character, when in reality the main character is the bus
Naughty at 40 is a hoax
Welcome to age of joint pains and loads of stress
My Plans 2020
Sperm 1: “Geez I’m exhausted, how much further to the Fallopian tubes?”
Sperm 2: “A long way, we’ve just passed the tonsils…”
Her: I’m leaving you.
Me: Is it because I believe that I’m a transformer?
Her: Yes.
Me: Don’t leave me, I can change.
The way my kids use sunscreen they’ll never get a sunburn on their bathroom floor
Instructions that say “keep at room temperature” are stupid because they never tell you which room.
People who would say “I can’t believe it’s not butter” are the same people who support all those Nigerian princes.
“Valentine’s Day is overrated and presents aren’t necessary to show love”
– *people who don’t get anything for Valentine’s Day
*me
[my first cutaway on The Bachelorette] I can eat more roses than any of these guys
Me: Got any 7s?
Wife: Go fish
Me: *returns from Bering Strait a changed man* I watched the sea take my best friend to his grave. Got any 3s?
If all your friends jumped off a bridge, would you Instagram it?
DOG: *prancing and enthusiastically wagging*
WIFE: the dog got the mail again
ME: damn, why does she only chew up the ones addressed to me?
WIFE: because she knows you hate bills
ME: …
DOG: *still wagging*
ME: WHO’S A GOOD GIRL?!
[at the mall]
LITTLE KID: i’m lost
ME: you’re at the mall
“That’s gonna drive me nuts” – peanut farmer showing off his new truck
“What are these markings on the map?”
“They’re hill areas”
“Yeah they’re very funny, but what do they mean?”
Officer: Do you know why I stopped you?
Me: Um…could you give me a hint?
O: You were sp–
M: No, don’t tell me-I said a hint.
O: Sir…
Cashier: I love your lip gloss!
Me: Thanks, it’s food court teriyaki chicken glaze.
I pronounce both Es in Ethan Hawke.
If Jehovah’s witnesses brought red wine and Pringles with them, I’d gladly let them in to spend an afternoon chatting about religion.
Me: Its a bear! Quick play dead!
*falls down and covers himself with leaves*
Her: We’re in a zoo!!
My kid didn’t like how his stuffed animal was behaving, so he renamed him Not-Listening-Ostrich, and I’m just over here wondering how to update some birth certificates
Told the kids me and husband were having adult time and under no circumstances were they to disturb us for the next 5-6 minutes
[returns from Costco]
“Honey you didn’t get stuff we don’t need, did you?”
“Of course not babe”
*stands in front of 12-pack of garage doors*
Maybe I’m like Spider-Man except I got bit by a radioactive sloth.