How many beer trucks can you “accidentally” run into before your insurance company becomes suspicious?
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*annual sexual harassment seminar.
Boss: We need more seats.
Me: *taps lap* I’ve got a place for someone to sit.
Boss: *sighing* You’re the reason we have these meetings.
Rise and shine, people. It’ll be dark again in about an hour.
The toilet paper thief accidentally dropped the merchandise as he jumped over a fence.
He got away Scott free.
I forgot my phone…
2005: I don’t need to be that accessible
2010: Let’s make this a short trip
2015: OH MY GOD, WE’RE ALL GOING TO DIE
Hey so remember when Malfoy was a jerk in year 1 and Harry got snarky right back and they became Instant Enemies? Well what if Harry had just been like “come on, man, let’s all be friends” and all the Houses were united and super chill
Explaining to the plumber that it’s a ziplock bag of my birthday cake I forgot I hid in the toilet tank, and also please don’t tell the kids about this spot.
Went to get coffee for a coworker.
I effed up the order, but used it as a teaching opportunity to illustrate the dangers of outsourcing.
What if we gave the railroad workers LSD?
– inventor of the roller coaster
Vote for me and I promise to make fast food places put menus in a place where you can figure out what you want BEFORE you get to the window.
Whoever made the almond-milk carton the exact same shape as the chicken-broth carton should have to eat this cereal.
“sir, can i ask why you’re smoking TWO huge blunts?”
“officer, I’m…”
*turns to camera*
“double jointed”
*cop starts breakdancing*
The Roman Empire: was not built in one day
The Ramen Empire: ready in 3 minutes
“Have you forgotten your password?”
Fish: 😔
guard your heart, cater to no man’s ego, honor your own time and your energy, don’t use uber. happy 2015.
I love when I make people laugh so hard they spit out their water…
Or food…
Or baby…
My husband needs a hearing aid but refuses to get one because it’s the key to our happy marriage.
It’s only a matter of time before one of you people’s tweets are used against you in a murder trial
ME: what came first the chicken or the egg
FRIEND [putting an ice pack on my head]: I’m not sure, people were throwing so many things at you
The people who make sexy noises when they stretch are my kinda people.
You can keep your damn ferrets
And your dumb fancy rats
He’s got no time for goldfish
And far less for cats
Snakes are for weirdos
As are lizards and frogs
For him there’s only one choice
My favorite game with the kids is one where I play dead until they go around to their dad’s side of the bed and wake him up.
Who named it “push-up bra” instead of “abracadabra” ??
[restaurant]
WAITER: [brings bill]
ME: I got this
DATE: Thanks
ME: [gets out piggy bank]
[hits it w/ hammer]
[it is filled w/ bees]
ME: RUN
Just showed my 4 yo niece that I can still do a cartwheel and now she is showing me where the ice packs are.
Growing up is just going from hearing “we have food at home” to saying “we have food at home”.
[Hide and seek]
Police officer: how long has he been missing?
Wife: a few hours
Police officer: describe him
Wife: 5′ 10, brown hair *raises voice* and he hates dogs
Me from the bushes: no he doesn’t
Every single employee in this hotel has said good morning to me. I’m never staying here again.
*Pizza Hut job interview*
“Do you own a shitty car and smoke pot?”
No sir.
“You will.”
*how fights start*
me (doing crossword): what’s a 7 letter word for evident
him: it’s obvious
me: if it was that obvious, I wouldn’t be asking would I
I joined my 5yo in Roblox and after she was done giving my avatar a tour of her house, she followed my avatar into the bathroom because she didn’t want it to be lonely. Apparently no version of me gets privacy in the bathroom.