[flying to Vegas]
TSA agent: The metal detector is going crazy. Do you have any metal on you?Me: Just my lucky rabbit’s foot key chain, my lucky penny, my lucky bronzed four-leaf clover and my lucky horseshoe.
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6yo: I like my hair short and long. I want my hair to be short and long at the same time.
Me: *shows her a picture of a mullet*
6yo: Oh no.
Studies show women find food emotionally comforting.
Please send chickpeas.
Remember when we didn’t let Meg Ryan stand up straight for an entire decade?
Son: What is wrong with those people?
Me: Stop staring. They’re indigenous to Wal-Mart. We are the outsiders here.
If I were a Scooby Doo villain, I’d take the whole thing to court. How hard can it be to overturn the testimony of 4 kids who talk to a dog?
Oh wow Linda the pizza here “isn’t even close” to what you had studying abroad in Rome? The pizza at this airport Sbarro’s isn’t doing it for you? I am shocked
The outskirts implies the existence of the inpants.
Me: So I hear you’re the guy that invented lying
Guy: No it wasn’t me
Me: Impressive
You gotta sprinkle in a few yeahs with those uh huhs or else they’re gonna know
it’s really cute when pets sigh. like what ails u lil buddy
Maybe Bigfoot wouldn’t be so reclusive if we stopped body shaming him
People are so nosy, always asking me what I just injected into their neck. Don’t worry about it!
If you’re not following me and received this tweet, it’s because someone is smarter than you.
came out to my parents (!) and my dad was like, oh that’s nice! i thought you were going to ask for money!
Me: will you wake your sister
4: no that’s way too scary
pet owner’s tip: glue the very tip of your cat’s tail to the center of their back to make a convenient cat-carrying handle.
So many friends have kids now it’s tough to meet for coffee, let alone carry out the greatest casino heist the world has ever known
My wife sent me an image of herself which really enticed me into coming home from work early.
It was a picture of her at the airport.
I know I’m not great at math, but I just can’t figure out how to 28 packs of fruit snacks are gone in 2.5 days when the kids say they “barely ate any.”
Nobody:
Absolutely no one:
No one on the face of the planet:
Every business I’ve ever traded with since 1981: Let me tell you what we’re doing and/or not doing about Covid-19
Me: Wait, you think I’m a slow learner?
Wife: (two years earlier) Why are you such a slow learner?
“I know she told me to buy Tampax, but I’ll buy the store brand that’s on sale instead.”
The last thoughts of a man who’s about to die.
Having to sing happy birthday to anyone over the age of 19 is assault.
First day as a dad
When I change its diaper is that when I oil the baby? Also where is the filter and how many quarts does it take?
Me: did you know cows have best friends?
Wife: really?
Me: yep!
Wife: how do you know that?
[Myrtle peeking around the corner into the living room].
Me: I’m glad you asked : )
I like running up to kids, punching a puppy in the face and screaming “WHERE IS YOUR GOD NOW?” And that’s my long-term solution to religion.
I ran a whole 5K and didn’t even eradicate cancer
Someone asked me today what was the toughest thing about being a parent. I would have to say it’s the kids.
What’s the difference between a camera and a sock?
A camera takes photos, and a sock takes five toes
[touring beyonce’s house]
me: *taking off my shoes* when do they inflate it