Me: Cute baby, when was she born?
New mother: Yesterday.
Me: *opens coat filled with knock-off watches* Hey kid, I got Rolexes, 50 bucks.
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Being a parent is great because you get to start conversations like:
Hey buddy, don’t leave your tooth on the coffee table.
Him, a vampire: This isn’t going to work.
Her: Is it because my name is Buffy?
Him: Yes.
Her: Hey, don’t hate the slayer, hate the name.
If you’re reading this, congratulations on not being raptured. Im glad you’re still here.
As my dog lovingly stares at me as I’m buzzed out on cold meds, I wonder if he can drive a stick shift and go get me some Doritos.
Remember when mowhawks meant you were a tough punk rocker?
Now they just mean that you’re 3 and your parents are idiots.
Why did they call it K-pop and not Seoul music?
*spreads rose petals on the bed*
[Death metal voice] “INTERCOURSE!”
My turn ons are naps, cereal, and seeing women that are prettier than me trip over cracks in the sidewalk…
Women have to be pissed knowing female kangaroos have an ingrown, biological fanny pack when they can’t even get pockets in their pants.
These flies don’t taste like fruit at all.
Side Effects May Include: upset stomach, diarrhea, a tail, some hooves, ok so you might turn into a horse
Marriage is for people who want their break ups to involve paperwork.
*tells five other people to remember their toothbrush for vacation.
*forgets her own toothbrush.
Sorry I didn’t make mashed potatoes. The potato masher was stopping me from opening the drawer.
Most divorces are caused by a spouse eating potato chips while you try to watch TV.
*sees a car with a “how am i driving” bumper sticker*
*calls the phone number*
ME: buddy i think it’s with a steering wheel
I own 2 crabs. One is happy and the other is grumpy. The happy one is crab A.
The grumpy one is crab B.
I have two boyfriends!
Well, I’m dating two men
Okay. Ben and I are just friends
Same with Jerry
Fine. I have ice cream.
But it’s love.
ME: I lied in my interview.
BOSS: what was the lie?
ME: all lies. except about my aunt.
BOSS: she wants to party with me?
ME: big time.
Watching all these killer whales attacking boats is giving me an orcasm. I’m sorry.
Before Batgirl can become Batwoman she has to have a Batmitzvah.
Very good news from my accountant
BREAKING NEWS:
Sting has been kidnapped.The Police have no lead.
“Oh, hey! I didn’t even recognize you!” means “I saw you and tried to avoid you, but here you are.”
Do you sell bloodpants?
“Nope”
Shitpants?
“Nope”
Droolpants?
“Nope”
Sweatpants?
“Right this way…”
It’s gonna take a real idiot to write my autobiography.
“Hand me that pillowcase. Nope, that’s a coverlet. No, that’s a sham. That’s my nightgown. That’s a duvet cover.”
~Excerpt from my book, “Making the Bed with the Mrs.”
[First day as a Waiter]
Customer: Waiter, my fish has glass in it.
Me: Probably what killed it.
Not to brag or anything, but I scored 4 points on flappy bird before my phone mysteriously flung itself across the room