Playing horsey, but it’s just my 2yo granddaughter riding my last nerve.
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Customer: I can’t see. How many sugar and fiber are in this bar?
Me: 7 sugar 5 fiber
C: That’s not very healthy… Just the smokes then.
this christmas when my grandma asks when i’m having kids i’m gonna look her dead in the eyes and say “i have decided to end our blood line once and for all” and just see what happens
There’s a spider that’s been in the same place on my living room wall for an hour so he’s essentially also watching Shrek.
of course babies cry on planes, as far as they know they’re about to be eaten
“Rethink this?” buddy I didn’t even think this the first time
Video game dad jokes are the best dad jokes
you know when you’re rocking the no makeup look and you assume you’re lookin all beachy natural n cute but then u look in the mirror and u look like a victorian child sick with influenza who won’t make it through the winter
Husband: Let’s talk about it when we’re not tired and cranky.
Me: So, in like 18 years?
On the periodic table, the elements are represented by two groups. The symbols and the atomic number.
Law and Order: Atomic Mass Unit
the dog ran into a fence chasing a squirrel. she doesn’t look anything like me but she’s mine. i can tell
How to end an interview:
1. Thank them for their time.
2. Shake their hand firmly.
3. Firmer.
4. Firmer yet.
5. BREAK HIS HAND YOU MUST WIN
I’ve been interrogating this dog for hours and he still won’t tell me who’s a good boy.
The package says “Do not eat raw cookie dough” but all I really see is “Pillsbury hates you and doesn’t want you to be happy.”
“Real men like a woman with curves” – Fat Chicks
[my first day as a financial investor]
“I’m going all in on this Acme Corporation. Anybody want a piece?”
Ladies: To see how a guy is in bed, watch him put on a shoe. Does he just cram his foot in? Or does he lick the shoe fully then gently enter
Him: I’m attracted to bad girls
Me: *changes lanes without signaling*
the crazy thing about being a woman is regardless of how much you grow and what you achieve, we will never be entirely safe from the sudden urge to get bangs
[walks into kitchen]
Me: Put that back, it’s mine.
Daughter: Sorry.
Me: Your big brother once tried to steal my cake.
Daughter: I don’t have a big brother.
Me: Exactly.
Found a pic in a box buried deep in the closet of me sitting on Santa’s knee. Hard to believe that was two whole years ago!
Will I ever be a good parent?
*shakes baby*
Wait a minute, if you’re here
[cut to Magic 8-Ball in crib]
Normalise screaming “404 ERROR” and sprinting out the room during conversations you want to end
It’s ok to laugh during sex…just don’t point.
Murder is like art, as long as you can bullshit your way into justifying it, someone out there will be like “oh yeah, I totally get it.”
is frankincense just very honest incense?
Stop asking yourself if something is a good idea and start asking yourself if you can get away with it.
Is Mark short for something like Markathon?
[job interview]
“Any weaknesses?”
I pick fights for no reason
“Can you explain?”
*leans in way too close* Are we gonna have a problem?
Dragon fire can’t melt stone pillars. King’s Landing was an inside job.
Champagne says I’m classy. Vodka says I can do anything I want. My therapist says I have to stop talking to my drinks.