[Starbucks]
Excuse me, this isn’t what I ordered.“You ordered a Grande.”
Yes, but this is Ariana Grande.
“Sir, please just take her.”
You Might Also Like
Never really had a nickname in my life.. Except maybe that one time a bunch of chumps called me “The defendant” for a full day.
Professor: There are no stupid questions
Me: What happens if you stab someone with a healing crystal?
Professor: There is one stupid question
[flash mob in front of me & my girl]
[I join in then kneel down gasping]
“Will you..”
“YES!… YE..”
“grab me a smoothie from Jamba Juice?”
Marriage is like when you were a kid on Easter and saw this HUGE chocolate bunny in your basket.
But it was hollow. And white chocolate.
judge: i hold you in contempt
me: get in line, pal
Her: undress me with your words
Me: ummm… There’s a spider in your panties?
Just got a splinter from a 100 year-old bed frame and damn that MFer was really playing the long game
Him: Can you turn on the wifi?
Me: *does a seductive dance in front of the router*
ME: When you think about it, shoulders are just hangers for our skin suits
WIFE: Ok get off me. I’m not in the mood anymore.
A good comeback when someone doesn’t believe you’re a time traveler is “Yeah well nobody cried at your funeral.”
Me: Bless me father for I have sinned…
Priest texting me back: I already told you, I’m not absolving u of your sins unless you come in.
Someone already tweeted it’s hot outside.
Delete your tweet.
me looking at the supermarket camera after eating a grape
Not saying I say dumb things when
I’m nervous but I once asked a date “so what’s new in history?” When she told me she taught it to kids.
I bet if you walked up to any table at a restaurant and said “Good afternoon folks” they will let you take their order.
By the end of shelter at home, my house will be spotless. Oh sure, I’ll be drunk and confused, but so will the germs.
I should have peed before I left and other things I’ll never learn: A memoir
If you want to keep your kids out of your phone, you have to think of a creative password they will never ever guess, like your birthday.
Water Park Lifeguard: I said you are unwelcome here
Me: I promise this corduroy swimsuit isn’t as flammable as the last one- please?
List of food it’s okay to eat with your hands:
– corn on the cob
– chicken wings
– ribs
– hamburgers
– spaghetti at your in-laws
Yelling “give me back my panties, you pervert” at joggers is a surprisingly effective way of encouraging them to run faster.
“Treat Others the Way You Want to be Treated”
*Buys everyone snacks
The house from Hansel and Gretel but made out of tacos.
Plot twist: maybe eating a doughnut wasn’t cheating on my diet. Maybe going on a diet was cheating on my doughnut.
my only hobby is seeing how close i can get to squirrels before they run away
WIFE: When my sister goes on holidays, she likes to stay off the beaten track, often using lesser known roads to see the country.
ME: *barely audible* a detourist
WIFE: Get out.
Need expensive surgery? Tell a surgeon you’re auditioning a few before picking one. Have them do the surgery then say “OK I’ll let you know”
Welcome to your 40s. You now have one random eyebrow hair that grows faster than the rest
A movie where humans escape their fences and chase innocent, terrified dinosaurs.