The instructions for this tent is just a picture of a husband yelling at his wife, that’s weird.
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It’s very sexy when a man leans over and whispers in your ear. Especially when they say things like, “I saved you some cake.”
I like that CNN is tweeting a picture of ebola bacteria. It will be handy in case I encounter it in the wild. With my microscope vision.
If you tell me you have a quick and easy recipe and I have to scroll to get through all the ingredients that’s not a quick and easy recipe.
Also, you’re now dead to me.
I got asked for nudes once and I was like, “No, I’m married.” And he was like, “Yeah, I know. I’m your husband.”
“IN THIS CORNER.. DWAYNE “THE ROCK” JOHNSON”
*the rock beats chest*
AND IN THIS CORNER… RYAN “PAPER” WALLACE
*the rock is visibly nervous*
when I’m sound asleep Sunday morning and someone rings the doorbell
A boy at school tells me I’m looking like a snack. I plead with him to take it back, but it is too late. My teachers huddle around me with a bloodthirsty look in their eyes.
“D I D Y O U B R I N G E N O U G H
T O S H A R E”
French fries are like the lifeboats on the Titanic. They never give you enough.
Where’d he go? 😂💛
doggosbeingdoggos
I just got arrested for felonious mopery
I really love how squirrels get extra chubby heading into winter mostly because it’s super relatable
The Dalai Lama prefers quiet restaurants in order to find dinner peace.
hey people that post selfies on Instagram and caption it ‘No Filter’, go with a filter next time. serious
I don’t want to speculate about the royal baby’s name, but I’m pretty sure it will start with #.
Liam Neeson stars as an evil owner of a haunted cemetery in a creepy new Halloween thriller. His catch phrase is “I have a particular set of skulls.”
Another day another opportunity to tell my toddler that if she doesn’t want to see my nose boogers she could try not looking up my nostrils.
Theft insurance for my iPhone? Nope. I bought a protector that makes it look like a little book. Nobody steals little books.
Oh honey, that’s not “causing a scene”.
Here, check this out…
boss: you know what’s weird
me: how the flintsones celebrate Christmas even tho they live in 10,000 b.c?
boss: how the flin— yes exactly
Comedian does amazing perfect crowd work
“your cat will eat you when you die” yeah but he shows infinite grace by making no attempt in the meantime. leave him alone
So, no one told my 13yo that spoons can’t go in the microwave.
How’s your day
They say you should dress for the job you want then send you home as “the stormtrooper suit is not appropriate work attire”
[Sick salmon goes to oracle.]
O seer, will I be cured?
*oracle looks into the future, sees giant package of lox*
-Yes you will, my son.
Never tell someone that it would work out if “only they lived closer”. Crazy can change zip codes faster than you can change your identity.
[bedtime]
me: babe we forgot to lock the door
him: not it
murderer under the bed: not it
me: fine I’ve got it
Have kids they said, it’s life changing they said, you’ll love it they said…
Leo: Your natural selfishness will play to your advantage today when you spot a donut in the hands of a child you could easily overpower.