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Krispy Kreme is giving out free donuts to anybody who’s gotten vaccinated.
Not to be outdone, Cinnamon Toast Crunch is giving out free shrimp tails.
me: *keeps bumping the back of my hand against his trying to get him to hold mine*
death: quit it
Hot pockets… cook on high for 1 minute, let cool for 27 years!
I hate how everything is organic now. I miss chemicals.
Things that are loud:
Jet engines
Dynamite
Opening a bag of Sun Chips at a funeral
Rock concerts
I’m a GROWN MAN. I’m on my GROWN MAN SHIT. I am COLD and DISORIENTED cause I got out of the shower but I can’t dry off cause all my towels are in the WASHER.
Me looking for my phone using my phone flashlight: where the heck is it?!
deleting dating apps because I want to meet someone the old fashioned way (he and his donkey rescue me from a tower guarded by a dragon)
I feel like things started going downhill when phones stopped being born with umbilical cords.
Yes, I have an hourglass figure, as long as the hour was spent speed-eating Hobnobs at a competitive level.
23: Thanks Mom. If that’s even your real name.
If you have an enemy, recommend a bad salon, it’s the best revenge ever
“I’m Bond. James Bond”.
Well, Mr Bond. Allow me to introduce myself.
I’m Evil. Ken Evil.
[speeds cycle up ramp]
[jumps 8 cars & a bus]
[small-town McDonald’s cashier holds bill up to light, studies it]
Me: You get a lot of counterfeit fives around here?
[inventing tupperware]
make it with a material that never lets them forget that one time they made spaghetti
Son #1: How long have we owned this house?
Me: You mean how long have I owned this house.
S1: No, I mean we. We share it, right?
Me: [Mufasa voice] Look around you, son. Everything the light touches … belongs to me.
My wife didn’t cover her yawn so I opened my mouth too and I totally won the silent screaming contest.
“Sheer Arrogance”
british people be having sex like:
mmmm yes splendid ah indeed scrumptious carry on good heavens i’m arriving
I took my family out to an authentic Chinese restaurant. My wife and I had chow mein and my daughter built 3 iPhones
Stop telling people to cut toxic relationships out of their lives! I’m starting to run out of friends you guys.
Therapist: U need some tools to cope with ur anger
Me: Like a sledgehammer?
T: No. More like breathing-
M: Fire? Can u make me breathe fire?
I just opened a Valentine’s Day card that was filled with heart confetti. I don’t remember the last time I was this angry.
There is no “five second rule”…
Just a “shame-to-hunger” ratio.
If it wasn’t for doing triple jump in high school, I wouldn’t be able to put on jeans.
Other kids wanted to be astronauts or doctors, when I was little I wanted to be a horse calendar
How crazy is it that we used to say “three and a half inch floppy” with a straight face
2020 caught us wishing we could cancel our plans so it made us smoke an entire carton of canceling our plans
The power of art = theory.
The power of power = praxis.
The the of the = philosophy.