I could never be a map maker. Not because I think it’s hard, I just don’t know how tf to spell meditarainian.
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Well, actually, FBI is not an acronym; it’s an initialism, because you can’t pronounce it as a word.
Mom: This is why you have no friends.
That’s fair
Saw a kid in a stroller with an iced coffee. I gave him my resume.
[flashback to 1st date]
*cuts round hole in bottom of popcorn
Me: Popcorn?
Her: No thanks.
(Mom reaches from row behind)
“I’ll have some.”
wife: We just ate, why are you making pancakes?
me: They’re for the dogs
wife: Why are you making pancakes for the dogs?
me: They don’t know how
The only difference between an outpatient mental health facility and a bar is the lighting.
Cop scrolling through photos on my phone: we’ve had complaints that you’re stalking…wait…these are all of me!
My grandmother sewed and crocheted until she was into her 90s and her hands just couldn’t do it any longer. So don’t expect me to be putting this phone down anytime soon.
KID: where do babies come from
ME: [interrupts] and how do we stop that
Got a new stove today and then ordered a pizza because I don’t want to ruin it by getting it dirty or anything.
This story is comedy gold 😂
To make space in prisons, judges are now sentencing low-risk offenders to pick up a few things at IKEA during the week before college starts
My neighbor bought a fancy zero-turn mower around the same time I got my beat up old tractor off craigslist. Since then, a couple times a season he has his mower towed off for repairs. Meanwhile, smooth sailing over here.
So the moral of the story is: Mow money, mow problems
Just did a seductive hair flip and an onion ring flew out.
My friends have canceled our lunch plans 3 days in a row …. I’m starting to think they really don’t like lunch.
Mom
She gave me life
She gave me love
She gave me sarcasm
She gave me the ability to
cut brake lines so that it
looks like an accident.
me: dentist said the kids have the plague
wife: plaque
me: yes a memorial would be good
78, 68, 77, 69, 78, 68, 75, 65, 75, 67, 79, 60
My mom & me, changing the thermostat behind each other’s backs.
“Baby, I’m in the bedroom waiting for you”
Now I got your attention, let me show you a proper way to make the bed.
Guys disappear for days then say “wyd” ….no mf what were YOU doing!!
My child who doesn’t like pickles: *sees me eating a pickle* can I have a pickle?
In a movie, whenever someone gets fired they never have two boxes of belongings.
Fact: Children can hear at a higher frequency than adults.
How no one has developed an effective child-repellant yet is beyond me.
Zoos would be cooler if you had to fight each animal before you could see the next one
Car just drove through the front of my house, because he forgot his corrective lenses. It was a bad case of contactless delivery.
I can bend a spoon with just my mind and some hard ice cream.
me: i wish i could have sex before i die
genie: granted
me: [873 years old] motherfu
When they said “it takes a village” I thought they were referring to raising a child not keeping up with laundry.
Here’s my plan. I infiltrate a therapist networking group on Facebook. I ask questions about “my client” to gather their advice. There is no client. It’s me in a cheap wig. I get free therapy from 468 professionals. I fix myself. Then I start a podcast.
My fella asked me to name all my sexual partners. I took a couple of minutes to list them and eventually got to him. Should of stopped there