Being single is starting wear on me. I’ve stopped shaving one leg so that when I go to bed it feels like I’m sleeping next to a man.
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People find one band-aid and suddenly no one wants anymore of my homemade salsa.
If you have more than 4 kids I automatically refer to you as a hoarder.
I don’t get to work from home but that won’t stop me from showing up in my bathrobe.
“ew what is that?” is my child’s adorable way of asking what’s for dinner
MAGICIAN: can you pass me my top hat?
MAGICIAN’S ASSISTANT: what’s the magic word?
MAGICIAN: *sigh* can you abracadabra pass me my top hat?
*puts dreamcatcher above bed*
“Sure hope this works”
*wakes up in the middle of the night*
*Ryan Gosling is stuck in dreamcatcher*
“YES”
I’ve seen enough movies to know that the first step to stealing a car is jamming a screwdriver into the ignition.
me: it’s okay in my book
5: what book? can I see the book?
me: it’s hypothetical
5: what’s hypothetical mean?
me: well, um, hold on, there’s gotta be a book around here somewhere…
I showed my husband the video of that giant baby. He said aaw how cute. HOW. CUTE. My pregnancy just got a lot scarier.
dude it’s called proctologist
People are always impressed to find out that I got my PhD at 17 but anything is possible if you work hard enough and lie.
[raises hand in math class]
HOW DO PEOPLE WHO WORK AT THE SPAM CORPORATION KNOW WHEN THEY’RE GETTING UNSOLICITED EMAIL?
[first day as a self defense teacher]
Me: who knows how to get out of a headlock?
Kid who has me in a headlock: shut up
Ahhh…….I love the sounds of autumn; that old familiar crunch of Halloween candy wrappers on the floor.
Tomorrow is Jesus’ birthday. I got him an Xbox. Keeping it at my house until I see him.
Me: Cute cat. What’s his name?
Date: Mr. Yum Yum Burger.
Me: Why can’t a cat just be Mike?
Date: I don’t see a future for us.
When people with bible quotes in their bio follow me…I don’t know man. I think you’re gonna have a bad time
4-year-old: The baby woke up all on her own.
Me: You didn’t wake her up by being loud?
4: No, I was very quiet while I tickled her.
Somehow my beach-bod went to a dad-bod and unfortunately now it’s more of a beached-dad-bod.
*a jerk tries to punch me but I catch it perfectly in my mouth and swallow him whole like a snake*
I finally finished season one of searching Netflix.
I just accidentally said “I love you” when hanging up with the auto shop guy, so I’m just going to leave my car there and buy a new one
A reboot of Dexter, but this time he stalks and kills people who crunch their disposable water bottles as they drink.
I went to the gym today.
Just kidding, I walked down the block and yelled at the neighbor kids for screaming while I’m trying to nap.
PARENTS: your teen may be worshipping Satan. Look for these terms:
LOL – Lucifer Our Lord
BRB – Burn Religious Books
TBH – Tell Beelzebub Hi
My kid is learning about environment and climate change at school, so everytime I yell any instructions, he goes “noise pollution, noise pollution”
I just realized that I’m using a new phone that has never been dropped. How coo
Waved to my ex today, next time I might use all my fingers
Husband: Did you just change from one set of pjs to another?
Me:
H:
Me:
H: …you look great