Me: Sit.
Dog: (confused dog look)
Me: Stay!
Dog: (continues packing suitcase)
You Might Also Like
Me: how can I prepare for this meeting?
Friend: we can do a mock interview
Me: ok
Friend: why should we hire you
Me: wHy ShOuLd wE HiRe yOu
I hate when I’m cleaning my house and accidentally watch three seasons of a show.
*Takes our kid away so my wife can have a break*
*Takes kid to pub*
*Bumps into wife at pub*
thinking about parking in a garage downtown just to get some validation
remember when u found out the french word for seal was phoque and u were like this is the best day of my phoquing life
[spider party]
black widow: oh yeah looks like there are lots of edible bachelors here
I hate Valentine’s Day but I do enjoy infant archery.
If by environmentalist you mean “I try to get out of doing things by saying it’s bad for the environment” then yes, I’m an environmentalist.
A good thing to say to someone who is overindulging at a Chinese restaurant is “hey buddy, it’s called dim sum, not dim all.”
*Wife busts me installing locks on man-cave door*
Wife : Great idea! That will keep the kids out!
Me : Uh… yeah. The kids.
I like putting my socks on the hot dog spinner at 7-Eleven so they get toasty warm and so that I attract dogs towards me all day long
Whenever someone is doing math in their head, I just squint and give a good thinking face, then agree with whatever answer they got.
*growing up in a family of six kids*
Love you dad!
Dad:
“stop letting someone live in your head rent free”
other people: okay, you’re right. i will stop letting them live in my head.
me: I MUST FIND A WAY TO MAKE THEM PAY THE RENT
life is like a box of chocolates: it kills dogs
If you know, you know 😂🚔
Just opened the freezer and the vodka literally rolled out into my hands, no way I could ignore this sign from god.
If you hear me using my son’s walkie-talkie in Target because I don’t have a phone right now, the polite thing is to take your cart to the next aisle before laughing
“Your resume has MPGMA listed under hobbies. What exactly is that?”
Making people guess the meaning of acronyms.
Midwife [handing my baby]: make sure you support his head
Me: that’s a really great, floppy little head you’ve got there. Well done
If a dude can be CEO of three companies at the same time that just says to me CEO isn’t a very demanding or important job.
Flight attendant: You’re sitting in an exit row. Are you ready willing and able to assist in case of an emergency
Me, half an ambien and 2 bloody marys deep: Yeah
Skills
Firing squad leader: Any last words?
Me: I’d like to thank my arms for always being by my side haha
Firing squad leader: ok we’re gonna somehow try to kill you twice
ME: I was just stung by a WASP.
FRIEND: Are you hurt?!
ME: Yes, she said my hair is dry, and my handbag should be on a hobo’s stick.
temp agency: can you do retail
lizard: yes
Her: I can’t believe I just peed in a McDonalds parking lot!
Me: Stick with me sweetheart, the entire world will be your toilet…
If your husband didn’t just take down an old shower curtain, wear it as a cape, then run around yelling “I am Captain Mildew!” then you are not me.
I’m not here to judge anyone’s religion. I’m here to judge their misinterpretation of it.
My 5yo believed the classmate who said that a snake struck him in the mouth and knocked out his two front teeth, but she won’t believe me when I tell her that she MIGHT like what I’ve made for dinner.