Facebook: Adele is such an inspiration.
Instagram: Adele looking beautiful in her gown.
Twitter: Adele sounds like a chimney sweeper.
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[first day as a baker]
boss: WHAT ARE YOU DOING WITH THAT?
me: you said to make donuts
b: THAT’S NOT HOW WE MAKE THE HOLES!
m: oh… in that case you may want to avoid the cream-filled ones too
According to my credit card statement Amazon is a hobby
The cool thing about driving 15 mph in a school zone is that it makes it so much easier to text.
I only had kids so I’d have a valid excuse for always being late
I found the felon who is responsible for your lost socks. Already convicted of other crimes. It’s the fitted sheet. You’re welcome
Unpopular Opinion: the wooden ball inside an avocado is a seed
Having a bad vocabulary is very bad
#OnMyPetsChristmasList
More red dots please
God: you’re a coyote.
Coyote: ok! what street did you grow up on?
God: Heavenly Way.
Coyote: what about your first pets name?
God: Sprinkles : )
Coyote: awww last four of your social?
God: 0001, why?
Coyote: no reason.
[later]
Coyote: [to Acme] I wanna buy rocket skates.
Just found out the hard way that nude yoga is only acceptable when the entire class is doing it
If you’ve ever wanted to reconnect with people you haven’t seen in ages, take a quick trip to the grocery store looking like complete shit.
They offered me money to promote a product in my Twitter account, but my dignity is strong, as Axion “The true grease stain remover”
cats are so dumb how do u only learn how to say one word ur entire life
if you’re not easily offended, why are you even here?
It’s an scientific fact that the smoke detector battery will only die at 0230
wife: [holding our new puppy] aw, don’t scare him
me: there are 18 million vacant homes in the US, that’s enough for every homeless person to have six
puppy: holy shit
I bet Morgan Freeman’s book reports were epic.
It takes a big man to admit when he’s got a problem, but it takes an even bigger man to help me bring all these beers in from the car.
I hate when people say “you always want what you don’t have” like that’s really insightful and not just explaining the definition of “want.”
I went for a run today. What the hell is wrong with you people why would you do this to yourself you need help.
The premise of The Exorcist is truly terrifying. Imagine having a 12-year-old daughter.
My kids persuaded me to buy Peppa Pig pasta shapes, and tonight I’ll be testing their understanding of irony by making them bacon pasta for dinner.
friend: don’t look but that girl is checking you out
me: [turning around] who
Medusa: hey
friend: I said don’t look
statue:
Roses are red, I stole them from the neighbor’s garden.
~poetry
Shaved my legs for the 1st time in forever today. It was like taking a bulldozer to the rainforest. Birds flying out, villagers scattering.
At my funeral there will be cake so people aren’t disappointed like me at this cake-less funeral
“Why yes, that scale is accurate”
A collection of horror stories
He walked across the parking area explaining, “I’m going through a lot”
a rare painting of a dragon eating spaghetti
If I was a Disney princess I’d most likely be Tacobelle.
Thanks for reading.