MUGGER: *pulls out a knife*
ME: *pulls out a jar of marmalade and two biscuits*
MUGGER: Lovely.
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I am eternally grateful that Twitter doesn’t have an “is online now” indicator
guy: my dog just died
girl who studied abroad: wow that reminds of this one time in Europe i saw a dog
Old age is when you need your glasses to find your glasses.
Bacon is the duct tape in the culinary world. It fixes almost any dish.
*calls ex wife three weeks after the divorce* what kind of yogurt do I like?
I literally have no idea what my friends had for lunch today.
Judge: For the crimes you have committed you will go to prison for 10 years
Me: That’s a long sentence!
Judge: Ok – “you get 10 years”
Person: “I can’t believe I’ve been sitting for two hours.”
Me [from my wheelchair]: “Amateur.”
It’s wildly known that all the great artists of the renaissance era loved eating pizza in sewers.
exclusively asking for swords for Christmas and if I get even one everyone who didn’t get me one better watch out
i think they should have thrown one avenger in with all the scientists in oppenheimer. just one little tiny scene where oppenheimer, feynmann, and fermi are sitting around like “well, what do you think, Ant Man?”
My husband and I are at a point in our lives where we don’t care about the strange noise coming from downstairs if it means we have to get out of bed.
I kinda want one of those priest collar thingys. If it gets me through airport security fast AND keeps kids away from me. I’m in.
Will I ever be a good parent?
*shakes baby*
Wait a minute, if you’re here
[cut to Magic 8-Ball in crib]
You don’t shave your legs for a couple days and all of a sudden everyone’s all like way to pop the inflatable pool mom
Me: Ugh! I never know what to say in these situations…
Friend: You say ‘good morning’ back
Dear axe body spray,
Could you Please put a suggested spray size on your deodorant bottles.
Best regards,
Asphyxiated girls everywhere.
I just want everyone to know my daughter is a monster. She is dipping french fries in honey mustard. I have failed as a mother.
Them: awwww just let those dishes go, mama! They’ll get done eventually! Spend every second with your babies, it’s so fleeting 🥰
Me, industriously taking notes: Sounds great. What time should I expect the Dish Fairy to arrive
Fool me once, I buy a gun. Fool me twice, I pull the trigger.
my daughter just dyed her hair turquoise and apparently has no idea that she’s subjected herself to months of me asking if she’s still feeling blue
*texts* I need you, babe. Come over now.
[20 minutes later]
Oh hi! *holds out jar* Can you open this?
Friend: how do u maintain your boyish glow
Me: [trying to keep down a mouthful of lightning bugs] I wish I could tell u
[parent/teacher conference]
Teacher: Your son is reading four levels above his classmates.
Me: [peeling Elmer’s Glue off my palm] What?
When people ask me for directions Im just going to do a really slow sarcastic Macarena .
Today, after my mom got vaccinated, she insisted on 8 gallons of pistachio ice cream. Who’s the kid now?
Me: How can I make this funny?
Them: Change what funny is.
thanksgiving is canceled? you mean I have to wait until next year for my family to get together and roast me mercilessly?
*takes the high road
*gets a DUI
I am not lying, autocorrect just tried to change “first” to Furstenberg like wtf when I have ever texted Furstenberg?!?