me: *emerging from a ten year coma*
dad: well look who finally got up
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this cop wants me to walk the line, does he mean the wavy one or the blurry one
[wedding reception]
BEST MAN: *making a toast* please raise your glasses
CLARK KENT: oh no
Before marriage: Kisses
After marriage: Hisses
Macbeth [waggling eybrows]: I know a spot
Lady Macbeth: out
Macbeth: but-
Lady Macbeth: OUT
I find it creepy that everything Bryan Adams does, he does it for me.
I avoided Walmart like the plague before it was the plague
ME: So you’re into religion. Really??
DATE: Absolutely. I go to church regularly. I especially love the religious hymns.
ME: Ok even I know they’re called priests, Linda.
Doggies just call it style.
Got bucked off my high horse. Now I only have contusions of grandeur.
wife: I don’t think our marriage can survive the distance issue
me: what distance issue, I’m always here or nearby
wife:
me: oh
Baker: Is there a problem?
Cannibal, returning a mincemeat pie: You’re damn right there’s a problem!
Just enjoy the pool, I don’t need to see a picture of your feet by it.
TRUMP: i’m the greatest man who ever lived
GUY WHO CAME UP WITH THE IDEA FOR THE TINY ONION VOLCANOS AT JAPANESE STEAKHOUSES: bitch please
“What’s that?”
A divorce jar. Every time we fight you put a dollar in and I’m a little bit closer to freedom.
*puts in dollar* “WTH!?!”
I got fired for telling customers if they wanted “smoking or non-smoking”.
Apparently the correct term in the funeral home business is “cremation or burial”.
We can’t deny our basic human instincts, like automatically thinking we kind of already know how to play the harmonica whenever we hold one.
A friend will bail you out of jail, a best friend knows the password to your phone so they can delete all your nude selfies if you die
The way my kids use toothpaste they’ll never have a cavity in their bathroom sink
PET PEEVE: Why do we call them baby names? They’re HUMAN NAMES. They don’t expire as you grow up.
Thomas Jefferson’s dad’s name was Thomas Jefferdad. Really makes you think
Text: How come you stopped drinking?
Me: Because I kept waking up with you.
Her: I hate you.
There’s a sign in this bathroom that asks us not to flush anything but toilet paper down the toilet & now I’m unsure how to proceed.
remember
only for emergencies
I WILL NOT click on your tinyurl link, no matter what people are saying about me.
I tweet with an abundance of sexual undertones like I’m not a huge blusher with absolutely no game whatsoever.🤭
The few days after Halloween are the best. Everything’s on sale. I’ve already eaten 11 costumes
My brain when I’m up late googling rare & incurable genetic diseases:
yes yes yesyes
yesyes yes yes yes
yes yes yes yes yes
yes yesyes yes yes
yes yesye yes yes
yes yes yesyes
[The Last Airbender, nervous on a date]
*breaks wind*
Ope, excuse me. I’m a little out of my element here.
I bought some IKEA furniture and paid extra for delivery and set-up.
Next day, they dumped the box and a dead body in my yard. And called the cops.
“No one told me we were picking weapons today. What’s left?”
– Donatello