Mission Control: prepare to enter the vacuum of space
Dog Astronaut: wait the what now
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Squeak, squeak, squeak!
CHASE: Hi we are calling to check for fraud you spent $40 at 7/11
ME: Yea
CHASE: Then you went to Taco Bell at 3am
ME: Are these questions
There’s nothing sexier than being with someone who knows exactly what they want, unless what they want is to smother you in your sleep.
Les Miserables was pretty good but I wish I’d had some kind of warning that everyone in it would be so unhappy.
detective: when did this happen.
edgar allan poe: while i pondered weak and weary over many a quaint and curious volume of forgotten lore.
detective: [writing notes] pretentious dipshit…was…reading.
Wife: can you pick up milk?
Me, flexing: what do you think?
Wife: just get a small carton
Bruce Willis is never content with how hard he dies.
Her: I’m done with you and everybody who looks like you.
Me: What did Wilford Brimley ever do to you?
Dog: Uh oh. Gonna puke.
Cat: OK, what you wanna do is, keep walking. Puke every ten feet or so. Make sure you get under the bed.
Forget hobbies and and interests, dating apps should require people to share their Amazon order histories.
“Congratulations on the baby! Childbirth is so beautiful!” – Someone who has clearly never witnessed the birth of a child.
A “why working from home is bad” guest column, but from a guy who has clearly cased your house, and is waiting for the chance to rob you during the day
WIFE: I want a new baby monitor for Christmas
ME: k
[Christmas morning]
WIFE: um
PRESENT UNDER TREE: *hisses and rustles*
ME: you should open that one first
12: What’s in cocktail sauce?
Me: It’s basically horseradish and ketchup mixed together. It’s good, try it.
12: *makes face* You lost me at horse.
The straw that broke the camel’s back was either an exceptionally large straw or that camel had some serious osteoporosis.
Jehovah’s witnesses are at my door.
*Lights black candles, dons flowing dress, opens door, and says seductively, “Are you the keymaster?”*
Jay Z: Can I get a what what?
Teacher: Jay Z, can you or may you?
Jay Z: SORRY MAY I GET A WHAT WHAT
Teacher: Yes, you may get a what what.
my mom: you still coming over today?
me: definitely
mom: great I have a few things from IKEA for you to put tog—
me: i cant make it
If youre giving mouth-to-mouth, and you don’t want to get germs, you can put a harmonica between your lips and the victim’s
NO
ONE’S
IN..
COURT LIKE GASTON
LEAKS REPORTS LIKE GASTON
WRITES IN PRESS AS “ANONYMOUS SOURCE” LIKE GASTON
I, for one, pronounce eau de toilette like ewww the toilet
I’m not embarrassed.
I order my gingerbread latte LIKE A GOD DAMN MAN.
(I send my wife into Starbucks while I sit shamefully in the car.)
Me: So, where are you from?
Her: I’m from Canada.
Me: Wow, your English is great!
My ex texted me today to tell me he has not one, but two dates this week. Anyone else have useless information I don’t care about to confess?
14: (setting his alarm for 5am)
11: Why so early?
14: Because Mom is going to take a million first day of school pictures. And it’s going to take forever.
Me: That is correct.
Wait for it. (You won’t regret it).
Alexa: *deep breath*
this is the most terrifying thing a parent has ever made for their child
I used to think I could control ducks with my mind but it turns out ducks & I just have very similar ideas about what stuff ducks should do
I’m not sure what everyone at my coworking space does for work, but I’m pretty sure one guy’s job is chewing.