Geese are too effing smart for my comfort level and frankly I don’t know why more folks aren’t alarmed. Geese are like cats only they can honk; oh and also they can fly. And they can fly in a spaceship formation; with collective grace that puts even the best Zumba class to shame.
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Cop: can u describe your attacker
Me: super aggressive, with a big nose & powerful arms
Cop: u just described a seagull
Me: he took my chips
“I’m taking a social media break.”
– People who will be back in 7 minutes.
Me: I bought a Twix for us to share.
Wife: Thanks, but you know I don’t like Twix.
Me: *already shoving both pieces into my mouth* Oh no, I forgot.
walk through life confidently like a NYer does through a red crosswalk signal
People in horror movies be like “this weapon just saved my life, I’m gonna toss it aside now”
Doctor: does mental illness run in your family?
Me: I do have an aunt that’s a morning person.
me: shoot for the moon
astronaut: houston please I need actual coordinates
Me, walking into my mom’s house
16 & 4 of his friends: *sitting in living room eating cookies with my mom*
One of his friends: May I have another cookie, ma’am?
Mom: *beaming* This is grandma’s house, honey. You may have as many cookies as you want
All 4 teen boys: *grin*
luke, thats a persons name. whys everybodys star wars name gotta be like, hoobie doodoo or seb neb or something
*gets abducted by aliens*
*immediately asks aliens if they’re familiar with the benefits of essential oils*
*gets returned by aliens*
Her eyes light up the room. They are lasers. Everyone is running.
COP: Do you know why I pulled you over?
ME: *pretending I’m asleep so he has to carry me up to my bed*
COP: Oh dang
[seeing a picture of myself]
Revolting. Burn it
[hearing a recording of my voice]
Awful. Grating
[seeing my tweets]
Genius. A blessing to this world
what if superman felt the same way about kryptonite as dogs do about chocolate, and people always had to shoo him away from it like, “no, no kryptonite for you, bad superman”
I’m quiet and not great about confronting neighbors, so I renamed our wifi Everyone Hates Your Rooster, Greg.
The meat served in IKEA’s restaurant is made of people who couldn’t find the way out.
Sir, those are my emotional support chrome tabs
Oh, I’ll take your precious “bribe” but you should be ashamed of yourself. Also, thanks.
If I had a time machine, I would go back to the day we first let my daughter watch SpongeBob SquarePants and just destroy our TV
“Involve your toddler in cooking!” …so dinner can take 35 minutes longer to make and they still won’t eat anything.
Carves “you are a doo-doo head” into the car door of my enemy because my sword is mightier as a pen or something like that
[inventing the toaster]
engineer: Ok it burns the bread if you put it at 4
chief engineer: perfect. Make it go up to 8
Daughter: dada is Aquaman a mermaid?
Me: no honey.
Daughter: he can swim and breathe and talk underwater like a mermaid.
Me: yes but he has legs.
Daughter: Ariel has legs too.
[later]
Wife: I rushed home what’s the emergency?
Me: I think Aquaman might be a mermaid.
I’d get up off the couch today but Newton’s first law of motion says bodies at rest remain at rest and who am I to argue with physics
What did the llama say to his date?
“Want to go on a picnic? Alpaca lunch.”
The fact that folks get so riled up over nudity but aren’t upset that anybody could be carrying a gun makes me want to shoot people.
Walmart stopped selling hoverboards due to safety concerns. In case you were curious about those empty shelves between the guns and the ammo
Boss: I want only essential employees in the office.
[next day]
Boss [looking at me]: why are you here
Note to self:
1) Your memory sucks.
2) Write note to self.
Humidity is like heat if it suspected you were about to break up with it.