Don’t think too hard about why Santa would name a reindeer “Vixen.”
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“I make everything sad, but I’ll class your shit up.” – Violins
I never met a cheese I didn’t like.
me: ok I am gonna get on the roof to fix something
12, concerned: are you sure it will hold you?
I just heard the phrase “murdered to death” and wondered if there’s any other option
Pretty disappointed to find out that “Toys for Tots” isn’t a program where I trade my kids’s toys for delicious tater tots.
A woman was arrested when her boyfriend’s body was found in a freezer in their living room. Who the hell puts a freezer in the living room?
If you’re a parent don’t forget to set your clocks forward and then jump out the window.
I enjoy a glass of wine each night for it’s health benefits.
The other glasses are for my witty comebacks and flawless dance moves…
She was rare, like a goth jogging
Me, gently telling my kids that I ate the rest of the ice cream: Your dad ate the rest of the ice cream.
them: is that a real sword
me: why would i walk around with a toy sword. that’s crazy
I saw an image of the Virgin Mary on a pumpkin!
It squashed all of my doubts…
And, reinforced my faith in Gourd.
I know there is something wrong with my car the old fashioned way. I smell it or hear it.
*shaves, waxes lip, plucks eyebrows*
Okay, weigh me now.
Cop: Know why I stopped u?
Cuz u JUST CAN’T FIGHT THIS FEELING ANYMORE?
Cop: I’VE FORGOTTEN WHAT WE STARTED FIGHTIN FOOOR
For speeding.
You got 30 minutes to text me back or I’m breaking into your house & responding to myself.
*seductively boils hot dog* *suggestively unscrews ketchup bottle* *alluringly toasts bun* *erotically describes this in between asterisks*
A fun way to “Break up” is to tell them to “Go long” and then never throw them the football.
When my wife got her tongue pierced I asked her why? She said To enhanthe the thektual thimulation.
Lycra leggings didn’t get me to the gym.
But I choreographed a modern dance trying to peel them off.
“OH GOD! OH GOD! OH GOD! OH GOD! OH GOD!Damn these thin walls. Don’t know if my neighbors are having sex, praying or having a coronary.
Give a man a fish and he will think, “what a creepy gift.”
Teach a man to fish and he will think, “My god, I have never known such boredom.”
What kind of vegetable does an Elephant eat?
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Squash
I’m bisexual, but I don’t currently have a boyfriend or a girlfriend.
You could say I’m on stand-bi.
just realized i have no idea what goes on inside a dishwasher after i hit the start button. for all i know there could be a tiny man in there washing each dish by hand.
“I know it takes an egg and sperm to make a baby, but how do they mix together?”
– My 7yo, right before I received that urgent phone call
Twitter action film:
MAN 1: Follow me.
MAN 2: On Twitter?
MAN 1: No. Physically, follow me. Or you’ll be killed.
MAN 2: On Twitter?
I hope the hot young mom across the street stops mowing the lawn soon. I don’t want my husband having any inappropriate thoughts, like I might start doing yard work.
Me *naked, singing into a shower head*
Karaoke manager: uh, we have a mic
Wife: Did you do the dishes like I asked?
Me: Sorry I was busy
W: Doing what?
*cat rides by on Roomba wearing gladiator outfit*
Me: Uh..