The one time I order underwear from amazon, and they deliver it to the wrong house. Guess I’ll finally get to meet the neighbors
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Female body types:
Pear
Apple
Hourglass
Stick
Platypus bill
Wormhole
Googly eye
Knives
Abyss
“…until death do us part.”
*looks at minister*
“What about a Walking Dead situation where she’s a zombie? Then I can bang other chicks?”
Me: I love pastry
Person on Twitter: I see that you like pastry and that’s fine but also I wondered if you ever knew that pastry was responsible for a murder in 1977 when someone set a sausage roll on fire which caused a fatality so you’re basically condoning murder here’s a link
Him: Hey
Me: *flashes box of super tampons*
“Are you really 43?”
Me: “who lies about being 43?”
I’d be so much more successful if some of my ancestors had just married better.
My 5yo: Mommy what are shark cooties.
Me: …. What?
5: Ava said shark cooties are her favorite snack.
Me: …..
Me: CHARCUTERIE. She likes charcuterie.
JOSEPH: who did you name me after?
ME: you were named after my grandfather
GREGGNOG: what about me dad?
Anonymously I asked kids (aged 6) to write new years resolutions. Here are some favorites…
“Eat more butter”
“Build a mud hut”
“Learn to drive”
“Try my hardest at everything but not maths”
“Make a new language”
“Invent Google”
“I’m just gonna go”, she says, with her finger hovering over the red leave button
– my 5yo, two minutes into her first zoom class of the day
You’re only as old as you feel, they say. So, 80. Today it’s 80.
If you slept with my husband I’d be like “OMG how much do I owe you?”
90% of parenting a little girl is chasing her around the house with a hair brush and a ponytail holder.
The dismemberments will continue until morale improves now back to work
[pumpkin patch]
Cinderella: how many miles on this one?
Farmer: please stop kicking them
I had no idea we were still brushing our teeth.
My teen is officially at the part of math where I need to sit down with him and say, “Son, we are a family of idiots.”
[inventing flies]
GOD: make them eat shit
ANGEL: got it
GOD: make their babies the grossest things in the world
ANGEL: ok who hurt you?
O: put your seatbelt on, honey
o: i will, mom
O: you ready?
ø: yes
You’re worried about the home hairdressing? Wait till you have to resort to home dentistry.
Teacher: define “impossible”
Me: no can do
Teacher: correct. and can you explain what “skepticism” is?
Me: doubt it
Teacher: excellent! and “agnosticism”?
Me: I have no idea
Teacher: amazing
At my age, a “stiffy” is just my back when I try to crawl out of bed in the morning.
It’s so annoying when you love someone and want to spend the rest of your life with them and they don’t accept your friend request.
Why do *I* gotta dress for success? Maybe success could be the one who puts a little more into this relationship
Licorice: for when you feel like edible Tupperware
You: What happened to your hand?
Me: I lost my engagement ring so I cut off my finger so my husband wouldn’t notice.
Why are hemorrhoid and diarrhea so hard to spell? Like if you’re talking about them, you aren’t having a rough enough time already.
writer: it’s based on a book
movie producer: ok
writer: about a boy who lived
producer: *yawns* boring. all boys live. can u leave
writer: *starts walking* ok but there’s a grumpy wizard hat
producer: wait
[slice of bread going in and out of the toaster] omg, i’m gonna crumb!