18 hasn’t had a haircut since the start of the pandemic, yesterday he let 20 cut his hair so he could donate it, today the post office lady asked what I was sending and I said a ponytail and not another word, anyway, I’m expecting to be on a list by end of day.
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i wanna do one of those guy takes a picture of himself everyday for a year but i’m afraid people will be like wow he really wears that sweater a lot
“Would it have killed you to brush my hair once in a while?”
-my daughter going through old photo albums
Teacher “Hi, why are you here?”
Me “Um, isn’t this the beginners’ philosophy class?”
Teacher “Yes and you’re off to a really bad start.”
lawyer talking under his breath: “guiltypeoplesaywhat?”
suspect: what?
lawyer: no further questions your honor
My kitten runs away when the kids come near her, and now I’m mad that I never thought to try that myself.
*a snake wearing one skinny jean*
me: I invited colin for dinner tomorrow
her: is that the guy that always gets the day wrong?
*knock at the door*
me: yes
How many Apple users does it take to change a lightbulb?
None. When the bulb goes, they just replace the house.
I have a phone interview today and someone told me to “just be myself” so I’m not going to answer the call
Jerk chicken is just regular chicken that didn’t let it’s daughter go to prom
ME: my car makes weird whispering noises…also the doors lock by themselves & blood comes out the CD player
MECHANIC: must be the spark plugs
Before carbs: Hates everyone
After carbs: Hates everyone but is fat
A Riddler origin movie would be like 10 min long bc he’d only have to tell one riddle before getting beaten up and becoming a villain
I enjoy visiting countries where I don’t speak the language because it requires zero effort to tune out everyone around me.
I’m out here thumping watermelons like someone will murder my entire family if I pick the wrong one.
I signed up to bring fruit for my toddler’s holiday party at daycare. It turns out the class’s favorite fruit is blueberries which need to be cut into quarters, and I should have signed up to bring cookies.
Lightly used fish tank for sale on eBay.
Does not contain three goldfish ghosts.
What was the point in making your car louder, bro?
Do you really want women to turn their heads and notice you drive a 1999 Honda Civic?
Nice try, horror movies, but the scariest thing I’ve ever seen is still a 4-year-old holding a sharpie without the cap.
i made a promise to myself that if i ever get an island the first thing that i will do is put some dinosaurs on it.
When I worked in fragrance, my friends and family would ask for samples all the time.
Now that I work in a bank… Same
Leaning over with an open bag of skittles in your shirt pocket: a tragedy in one act
Would love to do a Trump family sitcom, but would have to make up a character to be “the smart one”
[at a loud bar]
HIM: [yelling] DO U HAVE ANY PLANS AFTER THIS?
HER: [also yelling] YES I DO ACTUALLY HAVE PLANTS THAT I KISS
I hate gender stereotypes.
Sometimes I give my son a drink in a pink cup and my daughter a drink in a blue cup, just to test their reactions.
Turns out they don’t like whisky.
Dog: Time to take me out
Me: Ok
[5 minutes later]
Me: [calling dog to the front door]
Dog: [asleep on my side of the bed]
Dentist: I’m going to take your tooth out
Me: Ok then
[later that evening]
Dentist: Well this is nice
My tooth: I’m having a lovely time
“Can I have one?”
“Only if you do the thing.”
“Do I have to?”
“Yes, and you have to do the voice.”
“𝘴𝘪𝘨𝘩… Harry Potter must not return to Hogwarts!”
If you think Floyd Mayweather vs. Logan Paul is going to be a big fight, wait until my wife finds out I just spent $50 to watch it.