Acupuncture for weight loss huh? I’ve had little pricks before, and they never helped me work off any pounds.
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A hooker once showed me her dollar menu. Her meat actually did resemble McDonald’s.
Wife: You’re lost.
Me: No. This is exactly where we are suppose to park.
Lost my pet unicorn.
If you find it, please share your drugs.
If having a social media account makes you a journalist, changing a lightbulb makes me an electrician.
Scientists have recently discovered that Rhino horns are radioactive “I wouldn’t touch ’em if I was a poacher” said 1 massive grey scientist
Pandas are proof that you can get fat from just eating salad.
No one:
Me: “The word “Militia” just sounds like Sean Connery saying the name Melissa.”
When I’m older my plan is to mostly talk gibberish then very occasionally turn to a grandchild and say
‘Of course the money is all in that account in Switzerland’.And then start talking gibberish again.
The guy blaring the self help CD at the red light in the rusted car with no bumpers wasn’t amused when I said, “I don’t think it’s working”
DOCTOR: I have good news and bad news. The bad news is we can’t reattach your arms.
ME: Oh no. What’s the good news?
DOCTOR: You’ve reached your goal weight.
ME: *I try to fist pump but nothing happens*
Drank some paint and have now added “interior decorator” to my CV.
My camera roll is 25% my kids and 75% things I couldn’t read and had to make bigger.
[at movie theatre]
Wife: Shhhhhhhhhhh
Son: …
Daughter: …
Me (whispers): …it
This outfit is called Running Into Someone I Know Would Be The Ultimate Worst Thing That Could Happen
Twerking is the crocs of dancing.
I get out of awkward dinner party convos by telling people it’s my first outing since the psychiatrist declared me unfit to stand trial
I seem pretty put together for a grown woman who imagines she’s traveling through a wormhole each time she pulls a turtleneck over her head.
It’s like my cat doesn’t realize my retirement plan involves him doing something interesting enough to be famous on the Internet.
my ancestors, who hunted and foraged for whatever food they could get, watching me have anxiety when I’m reading a menu:
[heaven]
Abraham Lincoln: If only I’d stayed in that night instead of going to that show.
Batman’s parents: Same.
Guy on SportsCenter just said Tiger Woods is “swinging a mean stick”, so look out, ladies. He’s back.
hear me out : pockets for your socks
I waited around all morning for the mailman so I could grab his hand through the mail slot.
Ambien is not the answer, unless your neighbor questions why you were sleeping on their couch and where did their cheesecake go.
[spelling bee]
Your word is ’embarrassing’
“Oh I don’t mind, you can say it”
No, it’s really ’embarrassing’
“Ok, I promise not to laugh”
My girlfriend asked me to act like an animal in bed. So I peed on the pillow.
[Pompeii 79 AD]
me: wow can’t believe I’m finally a homeowner. Nothing could ruin this day.
People laugh cos I’ve got 3 cats, but come the next Ice Age, when I speed past you on my cat sled, who’ll be laughing then?
[wife enters as I’m doing the worm] Wife: WTH are you doing? Me: It’s not what it looks like. Worm: Who the hell is she?!
[first day as a pilot]
control tower: what’s your location
me: i’m in the cockpit
control tower: i mean where is the airplane
me: mainly behind me