[doorbell]
“Hi, do you have time to discuss the Bible?”
“You have cookies?”
“No, sir I-”
“Come back when you have cookies.”*closes door*
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my allegiance to alligators is based on a gut feeling. you see, the crocodile deliberately looks like he wants me dead, and as soon as possible. the alligator appears to give less of a shit, generally. so i’m like, sure, that’s something we can deal with. that’s a starting point
I never thought geometry would be any use to me in the real world, but look at me now, one more game of beer pong to win back my house.
Boss: You’re late.
Me: Only in this time zone.
Apparently it doesn’t matter that in China I’d be 12 hours early.
My preschooler talks a lot of trash when we play Chutes and Ladders for someone who needs help counting his spaces.
Sometimes I answer the door in a towel when I get an Amazon delivery. Even if I’m wearing clothes underneath.
toddler *begs me to take him to get ice cream*
me: Ok
[standing in line]
me: Do you know what do you want?
toddler: Chicken nuggets
if the mechanic starts explaining the problem by saying “I don’t know who worked on this car before me…” you may as well just hand over your wallet and check back in a month
Things I do to annoy my wife
1) Say ‘bless yooou’ in the same intonation as her ‘Atchooo’
2) Sing “Little red corvette… the kind you find in a second-hand store”
3) Bring her an empty plate and say “Oh no, the pasta got too close to the anti-pasta!”
TBC
Picks up a package of hotdogs that are oozing grey liquid
Me: these say they have another week
*throws them in the cart*
A hooker once showed me her dollar menu. Her meat actually did resemble McDonald’s.
The way my neighbors are making their trick-or-treating kids skip my door you’d think I was handing out ecstasy pills like last year.
Turns out inside one of the IKEA sofa boxes was actually a marriage counselor.
ME: *puts on sunglasses*
NEIL DEGRASSE TYSON: *slaps them off my face* glasses made of the sun would instantaneously melt your head
there are only 2 generations:
-America’s Funniest Home Videos
-Tik Toks
HER: do you have a retirement plan?
ME: [grew up on action movies] i’ll simply pull ONE LAST JOB
Convince neighbours you’re shrinking by walking past their window with progressively larger jars of hellmann’s mayonnaise.
Why not call baby pigs “hamlets” ?
[Wildebeest orbiting the earth in a spacesuit, uselessly kicking its legs madly every time a really grassy part comes into view]
I’ve been practicing Social Distancing my whole life.. Just sayin.
Didn’t want cats … had 2 cats.
Didn’t want marriage … got married 2 times.Ok Karma … I’m on to you.
I don’t want a million dollars
“No, no. No! NO!” – guy who invented black ski masks after people started using them for robbing
What do you call a cappuccino with an old friend?
A catchupino.
#RubbishJokes
When I say the word ‘laboratory’ I quietly say it like a mad scientist in my head: la-bore-ra-tori
having birthday sex is kinda like having sex to celebrate your parents having had sex
When a pig loses his leg, wouldn’t it be a hamputation?
i get all my pet peeves from a peeve rescue
I can still remember that one New Year’s Eve when I had too much to drink and peed in my neighbor’s bushes ten minutes ago
Obama: “I have no more campaigns to run…because I won both of them”
Biden like 2 years later: LOL OH I GET IT. HES BEEN PRESIDENT FOR TW
Interviewer: Any questions?
Me: Is a personal shopper someone who just goes on Amazon for you now?
My professor doesn’t believe in laser pointers so he uses a fishing pole with a foam finger attached and I can’t contain myself during lecture lmao