Instead of saying you lost your eyesight due to an explosion while you were making meth, just tell people that you were blinded by science.
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Stopped on the highway.
Officer: Any drugs? Alcohol?
Me: No thanks, I got everything.
Nobody has ever believed in me as much as the chef at this food cart who just handed me a burrito not wrapped in foil.
Son: Dad, I’d like you to meet my girlfriend
Me: That’s a raccoon
Son:
Me: *tearing up* I’m so proud of you
“Hello, Yes, This is Otter.”
Apps are like “wanna skip this ad? Click this tiny x, sausage fingers lol”
Flying Monkey: Notice she only calls us “pretties” when she wants something.
What this four-way stop needs is some kind of signal that would let people know when it’s their turn to go
*comes home drunk
*sleeps on floor
*fools rush in*
*they all slam into each other*
I don’t like the gerbil I become when I’m stuck in a revolving door.
My dog’s frightened to walk across shiny floors and won’t eat dog food unless I heat it up. I have a feeling he’d be a flop out in nature.
I just got excited opening a new pack of socks. Being an adult is stupid
Jesus: a 13th disciple? I don’t recall having seen you before, my friend
Disciple: I’m not a duck disguised as a man, if that’s what you’re thinking. Now tell me more about your body being made of bread
ME: Just don’t touch my Pop Tarts and we’ll be okay
PRIEST: *stunned* I’d like to remind everyone that the couple chose to write their own vows
I love watching a bird of prey in flight, soaring through the–nevermind its a trash bag everything sucks
look for my book on Amazon: What To Do When Your Teen May Be Abusing ADHD Meds But Goddammit His Chores Are Actually Done For Once
She’s carrying a torch for you because her flamethrower’s in the shop.
[First date]
Her: Are you literally WEARING a red flag?
Me: Yes, do you like it? Hey! Come back!
Still the best thing I’ve ever seen on the Internet.
Answering this for men everywhere & this patient. Yes, it is unusual & incredibly icky to flirt with me while I’m checking your prostate.
My Fitbit isn’t accurate when I hold my kid’s hand or push a cart, so I put it on my ankle to get that sexy house arrest look
[Lori Loughlin trial]
JUDGE: Does the defence have any witnesses?
LAWYER: We’d like to call Jesse Katsopolis
JUDGE: Isn’t he a fictional character?
LAWYER: Yes, your honor
JUDGE: Is he just gonna act hunky and say, “Have Mercy”?
LAWYER: Yes, your honor
JUDGE: I’ll allow it
H: You’re a narcissist.
Me: But I’m pretty, right?
H: Not my type.
Me: Funny?
H: Annoying.
M: The MOST annoying?
H: Yes,
M: I’ll take it.
Wife: Ow, a bee just stung me!
Me: uhoh guess i have to pee on u
Wife: that’s for jellyfish
Me: [unzipping pants] bees don’t sting jellyfish
Found my chapstick in my pants pocket before it went through the washer or the dryer in case anyone is looking for a life coach.
HOT SINGLE MUMS IN YOUR AREA ARE LOOKING FOR YOU!
Oh god I hope it’s not another bake sale
Reached the stage of parenting where I just found a garlic press in the shower and I didn’t even want to ask why.
9y/o~poking finger on my face.
Me(yelling)~dont touch me with your finger
Later~glad he got loophole now what to do with a foot on my face
starting to realize that maybe the only reason i go to see movies in theaters is so i dont hav to face my reflection during dimly lit scenes
[babysitting]
Nephew: Can we listen to music?
Me: OK but not very loud.
Nephew: Why, does it hurt your old ears?
Me: Hey look at that, it’s your bedtime.