“Sensitive” guys who only retweet chicks, you’re not fooling anyone.
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My dryer is celebrating lint.
Good morning to everyone but those being intentionally vague. You know who you are!
Cop: Ma’am, I pulled you over today because you were going 45 in a 35 mile zone.
Me: I’ve been driving 45 on this road for ten years and I’ve never gotten a ticket.
(Silence) You’re going to give me a ticket, aren’t you?
Cop: I kinda think I have to now.
[drive thru window]
toddler: can I say hi?
me: aww that’s sweet *rolls down window*
toddler: two milkshakes please
Always the kidnapper, never the kidnapped
200 Catholics, one cup. -Mass
I have poor night vision so I upgraded to LED headlights because it’s important to me to ensure nobody else can see either.
Lawyers should get walk-up songs in court like how baseball players do
A man of commitment.
Me: Pick that up!
7: Can’t you?
Me: You’re lower to the ground
7: But you’re used to doing things that aren’t funHow’s your summer going?
REPORT: Box You Set Down for a Second to Become Permanent Decor:
GOD: *invents mouse* I like it
MOUSE: Yes this is “mousestanding” work haha
GOD: *invents cat*
“Subpar accommodations. One star.” – Oldest known TripAdvisor rating for Bethlehem.
People keep tagging a random person instead of the incoming British prime minister and she’s rolling with it lol
Me: When I have a rough day, you’re there. When I need to cry, you’re there. Nobody helps me gain 10 pounds the way you do. Cheesecake:
#FoundAtGrandmasHouse
Grandpa’s welcome sign
Her: you know what really makes my mouth water?
Me *slowly closes the menu* salivary glands
Of course everyone seems sexy in a nightclub.
There’s liquor and you can’t hear them.
*first time seeing a musical
“WHY ARE THEY DOING THAT?!! FOR THE LOVE OF GOD MAKE IT STOP!”
At this point, if Pennywise tries to lure me into the sewer, I’m going.
[Congress]
MARK ZUCKERBERG: if you do not harvest your crops in a timely manner on Farmville they will die, I cannot stress this enough
still burning off that Cinnabon i ate in 1997
{Goes to buy Virgin Airlines ticket}
“Can I buy one even if I’ve done sex?”
Um. Yes sir
“Cause I have”
Okay
“I’ve done all of it”
Please go
He died doing what he loved, rearranging the dishes in the dishwasher after I put them in.
I needed this laugh 😂😂😂
She has the grace of a puncture wound and the charm of a tetanus shot.
Officer: I’m arresting you for downloading the entire Wikipedia. Man: No wait! I can explain everything!
*waits until you fall asleep*
*tests out his new retractable air horn*
every time someone says “i’m aware” i always wait a couple seconds in case they add “wolf”
The next time my middle schooler refuses to acknowledge me in public, I’m giving him a big hug and asking him when his last bowel movement was.