Me: I’m 29, I’m not that old! I have my whole life ahead of me.
Me around a 20 year old: I am the grim spectre of death. I have seen empires rise and fall like the endless shifting dunes. Time has no meaning.
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“Let’s just kill ALL the characters”
-Game of Thrones
i may or may not be making of small casserole with a half pound of cheese, minimum. maybe a whole pound. maybe more. maybe it will be more cheese than casserole. who knows? not me. stop telling me what to do
I need a pet that is quiet, obedient and doesn’t jump on the furniture.
I think I need a hard boiled egg.
Sermons in 10 minutes or less or you go to Heaven for FREE!!
Casper is not only the friendliest, but the most emotionally available ghost. His life is an open boo.
ME: sit
DOG: [sits]
ME: good boy. roll over
DOG: [rolls over]
ME: good. now speak
DOG: [clears his throat] time is the fire in which we all burn
ME: bad dog. very bad
Awkward=when autocorrect changes ‘sooner’ to ‘sober’ so email to 8 yr. old’s teacher reads “I apologize for not getting back to you sober”
People that start a sentence with “Now I’m not trying to be rude” are either about to be rude, or about to sing Ignition by R Kelly.
“Thanks for saving my life” said no toddler ever
Me: I am become death. Destroyer of worlds.
Her: Will you please just spray the hornets’ nest?
Me: K.
I think it’s cool when websites don’t show what a shirt looks like on a person. Wow it looks great folded up floating in the Great Void, that’s exactly how I am going to wear it.
OMG you guys!! I have abs
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…olutely no desire to give up tacos and beer.
I was 17 before I realized that the reason the ocean is salty is not “because of something I did.” Thanks Dad.
“Ok, identify the noun in this sentence. Timmy is stupid.”
Timmy: stupid?
“Exactly”
HER: DM me later, okay?
ME: Okay.
*later*
ME: *sends her a message* Your party, weary from your travels, gather at the tavern in the hamlet of Oakwood. A friendly barkeep serves drinks to the townsfolk as a traveling bard takes the stage. Go ahead and introduce your character.
I never had a childhood bully, but I do have a toddler, so same.
Let’s get married, have kids and buy a house where it’ll either be too cold or too hot for someone every day forever.
United Airlines just tried to charge me $25 for the bags under my eyes.
In an effort to keep the employees motivated and increase morale, my boss has asked me to stop talking to everyone.
[Dragging 3 whining kids through mall] No thank you, mall kiosk employee, I’m not interested in trying “something amazing for my hair.”
It’s so cute when Gen Z tries to insult us millennials. We had metal slides and lawn darts, you can’t touch us
me watching a commercial of golf balls getting flushed down a toilet: “wow. There is still so much about this sport I don’t know”
Want to make a nerd’s head explode? Go to any site that posted the new Star Wars trailer & write “Where’s Captain Kirk?” in the comments.
[my funeral]
college professor(standing over my casket): I just want to remind you that attendance is a big part of your final grade.
Job Posting: local pond looking to hire tadpole, must have previous experience as frog
Why are you mad at me because YOU’RE an idiot? I didn’t make you stupid.
[walks in meeting late]
“Sorry I was busy with important-”
SIRI (from pocket): OK here’s what I found on the web for are hot dogs sandwiches
Like an alarm clock but it’s your toddler standing next to your bed with a mascara wand whispering “I make you beautiful”.
Don’t you hate it when you’re on your way to join the circus and you accidentally get married and have 3 kids?
No my carpet doesn’t match my drapes cause I don’t have carpet , Duh….