The news keeps updating everyone on the Queen’s coffin’s location like it’s a package we can’t wait to get in the mail.
You Might Also Like
I hate it when some random company refers to me as their “customer.”
I’m like, look we had one night of drunken shopping, we are NOT in a relationship.
I’ve been married for seven years and when we visit my mother-in-law she still types her wifi password in for me rather than share it.
moms bragging about their kids like ok we’re just gonna sip our wine and pretend Claire’s kid didn’t just ask how many years she’s been 8 for
The Pillsbury Doughboy and Little Debbie walk into a bar.
Bartender: I see bread people.
even after eight years of being a dog parent i am still amazed daily how quickly and brazenly my seat gets stolen
My husband was just rude to me and I said that I’m going to punish him and he got all excited but like I don’t even know why he’s so excited to do my Calculus homework
I just unplugged my WIFI and heard someone yell WTF from across the street!
I’m sorry I threw up on your kid but to be fair, he threw up on me first.
A Video no one needed, but since I miss saying these things, here is what Product Managers actually do.
Ask & say a bunch of random things to sound smart.Hope I get hired for my honesty at least if not for my skills 😀
Back in my day a “selfie,” was something you did with the door locked and a bottle of lotion.
Well, when we ordered nachos, you ate all the ones in the middle with the most cheese, but no… I have no idea who set your car on fire.
When the nun comes around to collect the offerings, I shell out a handful of change and a cucumber then give her a wink and a thumbs up.
[waterloo]
napoleon: wow. that was really embarrassing
general: yea
napoleon: hope nobody writes a song about this
DOG 911: what’s your emergency?
DOG: *whispering* they put me in a stroller
DOG 911: *covers phone* WE’VE GOT A CODE SLIGHTLY DARKER GREY
I cleaned the cabinet windows and now you can see how untidy it is inside.
Gym instructor: What’s your main purpose for working out?
Me: Knorr cubes. Yea. Need to be strong enough to break them.
pharmacy child-safety bottles have gone so far that i just have to swallow the bottle whole and hope my stomach knows what to do
A pasta maker is just a Play-doh toy for adults.
[stunned, eyes lock, a smile exchanged, and I knew it was kismet]
*hands cash to lady
Ma’am my baby isn’t for sale.
I SAID I’LL TAKE TWO!!
Me: YOU CAN DO IT SON!
Son: Why are you being so encouraging? Are you drunk?
Me: Yep. So pass your driving test or we’re walking home.
Walmart never delivered my grocery order but they gave me a $10 credit so I will give each of my thanksgiving guests a dollar in lieu of a meal. All is well.
Bread bowls are not dishwasher safe. I know that now.
I threw my cat a surprise party. Long story short, I need 30 stitches and learned I should never scream ‘SURPRISE’ directly in my cat’s face
“Spring is in the air” I proclaim as I hurl a Slinky at your head.
neil armstrong: i’ll take that for you
neil armweak: can you carry this?
[to the tune of little drummer boy]
baaaaby shaaark, doo
doo doo doo doo doo
My husband pissed me off today, so I hid his keys by putting them in the spot where we keep our keys.
People who have drive and determination impress me. Yesterday one of my kitchen drawers got stuck and I was like, guess I’m never using a fork again.
If I insult you, I’m either flirting or genuinely don’t like you. Good luck with that.