Good night cop: Want the light on or off? Sweet dreams kiddo.
Bad night cop: You will go to sleep or I will put you to sleep.
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Last week I had a dream and the only thing I remembered about the dream was a poster on a wall so I made the poster and put it on a wall and it was the fastest I have ever made a dream come true and it felt exhilarating like I had solved a mystery.
Licorice: for when you feel like edible Tupperware
ME:You wanna come in?
VAMPIRE:Oh, can’t, vampire
M:Unless I invite you
V:Oh…you know about that
M:Yeah, you can-
V:It’s just…I’m super busy…
Why do kids always want to grow up to be astronauts or doctors or racing drivers or football players, but never quiz show hosts. They literally get paid for asking questions. Surely there’s some transferable skills there.
One of the perks of being a woman is that no one can ever surprise you with a kid years later and tell you you’re the mom.
‘Why don’t you come over here and taste these Doritos…’
– Romancing the stoned
I just shook my keyboard upside down. Breakfast is served.
The wife declined my suggestion we try a different position in the bedroom for a change.
Apparently she’s more than satisfied with the existing two rooms/two beds arrangement.
I once went out with a girl that said she was flexible like a Slinky. Two flights of stairs later, I decided she wasn’t.
[phone w/ fiancé]
Hey, I can still pick whatever suit I like for the wedding right?
“As long as its black, why?”
*wearing batsuit* No reason
God: you’re a giraffe.
Giraffe: yay!
God: you have a very long neck.
Giraffe: so I always know when it’s raining first?
God: uh-sure.
Giraffe: omg I’m a walking weather app!
God: no-
Giraffe: there’s a 10% chance of rain w/55% humidity.
God:
Giraffe: feels like 72 : )
Super Mario and Zelda are very accurate in depicting the idiotic things men will do for pussy.
Interviewer: Can we call your former employer for a reference?
Me: Not if you’re considering me for the job.
My husband: Do you really need another pair of black pants?
My husband’s closet:
Week three of my new job, they’re all cunts.
There’s a weekly team call at 9am every Monday, what’s wrong with these people???
Why isn’t “long weekend” simply written as weeeeekend?
My husband and I now have an app that tells us if the garage door is open or closed and this effectively gets rid of 90% of conversation during car rides.
My god, horses chased me for 5 minutes.
Most terrifying carousel ride ever.
People at work: you’re hilarious,man
Family: you’re really funny
Friends: you’re the funniest guy we know
Twitter: you’re occasionally witty, but don’t quit your day job
Wife: you’re an idiot. that’s not funny.
I was always told to eat all my food so that I’d grow to be big and strong.
When exactly does the strong part kick in?
WIFE: I’m pregnant
ME: oh god no
WIFE: I’m kidding
ME: I heard you the first time
I really only wanna grow old so I can get the senior discount at thrift stores
*Me at a fitness consult
Trainer: you need to cut way back on carbs
Me: what am I supposed to melt my cheese on?
Trainer:
Me : where are you going?
As long as Apple doesn’t announce Ben Affleck as the new iPhone I think everything is going to be OK.
They say you become what you hate and so I am terrified I’m going to become a young, vibrant beautiful man who’s loathful life is full of undeserved luck and success.
“30 shots of espresso NOW.”
*barista’s eyes widen*
Whoa what do you do for a living?
“I STAY AWAKE FOR A LIVING!”
*roundhouse kicks barista*
I don’t understand how spending more money than i earn is irresponsible. i’m giving more than i take. i’m generous.
These life hack videos are getting out of control like no I don’t want to make a life jacket out of an old peanut butter sandwich
Why did they call it long distance running and not fardio.